Q: Dear Rabbi Levy, shlit”a
Thank you for your excellent answers and clear advice! I’m an avid reader!
My son is in sixth grade and learns in one of the top cheiders in Yerushalayim. Baruch Hashem, he is a bright, intelligent child. He loves to learn, and he’s popular among his friends. A problem that I’ve begun to notice is that he’s very competitive. He needs to be the top at everything—to get 100% on every test, to win every contest, to outshine everyone. When he realizes that he’s not going to win or make the top grade, he gives up totally. We realize that this has potential to become a serious problem, and we want to know how—and if—to stop it.
A: Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies:
Your son’s issue is not unusual; in fact, it’s quite normal among many kids and adults and is commonly referred to as perfectionism.
What is perfectionism? Perfectionism means striving for completion. This quality is manifest primarily among people who have already tasted the heady feeling of unrivaled success, which is why it is rare or virtually unheard of to find it among average people. As you described, your son is capable, talented and popular, which is why he—unlike many of his peers—struggles with perfectionism.
Let’s begin by trying to pinpoint the crux of the problem, since cursorily, it would seem that working toward greatness or perfection is a positive attribute, an ideal to which we should all strive!
At face value, the immediate problem is that your son avoids any activities in which he knows he will not come in at first place, and this all-or-nothing approach ostensibly causes him to lose out on many special opportunities in life. I’ll add that the pressure that he places on himself to always be the top is severely detrimental, impacting the enjoyment he could glean from life and robbing him of priceless learning skills.
Doubtless, the biggest problem of all—and this encompasses all of the above—is that, for him, the singular goal in learning and activities is to achieve first place, which means that the true objective is forgotten. With this attitude, it’s no wonder that one can cultivate an “all or nothing” approach.
Perfectionism exists among adults, as well, and may even be more common. Similarly, the damage that it wreaks is far more significant—affecting relationships, parnassah, and home management. Therefore, it is crucial to nip this quality in the bud before it takes root deep inside of him, and before it is too late.
In most cases, a child just wants to please his parents. When he senses that we are proudest and most excited when he comes in first, he feels a deep urge to replicate that success and the positive feelings that it evoked. His concession of any opportunity in which he does not feel that he can achieve first place draws from the misconception that there is no value to second place, third place, or plain honest effort.
It’s up to us as parents, ironically, to sometimes encourage children to attain lesser achievements, and to express pride in their knowing part of the material—even if it is not everything. It’s important for a child to know that 80% is also an excellent grade when it comes along with genuine effort. It’s worthwhile to teach our children that first place is not necessarily best, because the goal is not to show off and prove ourselves to the world; but what really counts is learning and understanding.
This is an important message to convey even if your child really is the top kid in his class and achieves success without even trying. There are no guarantees in life, and it is only natural that, one day, whether in yeshivah, kollel or the workforce, he’ll encounter someone brighter and more successful than he. Throughout the years, I have unfortunately seen many, many bachurim who crashed seriously after meeting their match.
When we make it our point to teach at the very start that hatzlachah means knowledge and personal achievement—knowing material, or even part of it, regardless of other people’s achievements—then we make the challenge of perfectionism so much easier for our children to surmount.
(It should be noted that even an adult who repeats these kinds of messages to himself will ultimately feel it penetrate and discover greater success, because pressure and tension are detrimental both to life and learning. For example, when an avreich is about to take a bechinah, and he knows that he has to score 100%, the anxiety can paralyze him with worry or fear. If only he could reassure himself that a lower score is also fine, then he would be able to learn with greater vitality and simchah!)
You should be zocheh to much nachas d’kedushah!
Comments