Question: Baruch Hashem, I’m blessed with a large family, and until recently, I had an excellent job that paid well and allowed me to support us comfortably. Several months ago, due to company downsizing, I was laid off, and my current job is much less lucrative. Baruch Hashem, it still provides for our basic needs, but there is no money for extras and luxuries that were once part of daily life. Whereas in the past, if a child asked me for anything, I would give it gladly, I can’t afford to do that anymore.
Is it okay to share this new reality with my children and explain that we can no longer afford to buy whatever they want, or is this a line that parents should not cross?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a, responds: Reading between the lines, I’ve gleaned that you believe that as long as you have the financial capacity to provide your children with their needs and wishes, those wishes should be granted. It’s prudent to point out why you—and many other parents—believe this is true.
Over the years, I’ve posed this question to many parents—fathers and mothers—and inevitably, they respond in one of two ways:
A. A perfect childhood is a childhood without limitations, and certainly not financial limitations. I would give anything to guarantee my kids a happy childhood!
B. Children can’t handle the anxieties and pressures that adults can hardly cope with.
Let’s reframe these two reactions.
A. A happy “perfect” childhood is not one without physical or material limitations, but when aspirations and potential to work and realize one’s dreams are limitless—because the accomplishment that follows effort and investment is what grants a child true satisfaction. Such joy and satisfaction are lasting and far surpass transient pleasures that one receives from the fulfillment of an immediate desire. A happy child is one who knows that there are limitations in life, but knows how to deal with them; whereas a child who receives all he desires at a young age suffers greatly as he matures and discovers that not everything in life comes on a silver platter.
B. Pressure and anxiety do powerfully impact the delicate, sensitive soul of a child. A basic sense of security is fundamental to a child’s healthy growth, education and development. Children who lack security are busy surviving, and they likewise lack emotional space and capacity to absorb values in life. Instead of viewing the world as a positive, welcoming space where they can learn, the world is hostile and every person is a potential enemy. The above is just a glimpse into the damage inflicted on the soul of a child who lacks basic security.
“Lack of security” refers to a child’s essential needs like food, a roof over the head, protection from abuse and danger, etc. For a child to be aware that special treats, luxuries, events, etc. can be dispensed in moderation and should not be taken for granted is not damaging or negative, but on the contrary, a very healthy way to grow up.
Parents have a very fine line to navigate when including their children in family finances. The first step is refraining from complaints and arguments about money or creating a tense atmosphere when it comes to dollars and cents. When parents grumble about lacking money, children can absorb the message on a much more extreme level than is really the case, develop unnecessary fears, and feel insecure about even their elementary needs.
Plainly stating that an item/want is either not necessary or a luxury right now does not shake a child’s emotional stability, and most children are able to accept such a response with an open mind. It should be noted that even if parents view a particular item/want as superfluous or a luxury, the child may view it as an essential social need. Therefore, if an expense is unviable at the time, parents should strive to give their child the feeling that they understand their request and value it, and that they would like to provide it when possible. In addition, children need attention and tangible expressions of their parents’ love and commitment. Therefore, when a child’s request is justified but financially unfeasible, parents should devote the extra energy and thought to compensate the child through a private discussion, walk or even a modest gift with a heartwarming note that expresses pride and appreciation of the child and their positive actions.
Hashem should help that you should get past this challenging period in life while garnering the educational benefits that it brings.
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