Q: Since last bein hazemanim, my 10-year-old son doesn’t want to go to school. Every morning is a new battle to send him off. As a parent, what should I do? Is it okay to allow him a day off of school once in a while?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a:
Let’s begin with a brief analysis of your question:
Your question can be divided into two parts. The first is the practical issue of how to resolve your morning struggle. The second is the more theoretical question of whether or not it is acceptable to allow a child to take an occasional day off of school.
Let’s begin with the practical aspect: Every child has to go to school, and as parents, we cannot allow our children to remain home. Children require a steady framework and schedule, along with borders and limits. Part of this is knowing that they have to go to school every day (providing that they are healthy and school is in session).
I often say that we can err in too much chinuch, but we still can’t allow a disruption of order and schedule. Order is one of the highest priorities in many aspects of chinuch.
As long as a child is within the confines of a schedule, he is given to authority. The moment he loses that, then we—as parents and mechanchim—have forfeited our authority and the imits that we impose, which is a situation that we cannot abide.
Now, let’s proceed to the actual problem that your son refuses to go to school. There may be many motives or reasons for this, but the majority can be categorized into one of two options:
1. The child is suffering in school. This may be due to any number of reasons ranging from bullying to a rebbi with whom he does not see eye to eye, etc.
As parents, our job is to identify the root of the problem and seek to solve it as quickly as possible. Most of the time, a solution can be reached by speaking to the mechanchim, and in some cases, the administration. In rare cases, the child may need to switch schools.
2. The child has a problem. He may be lazy, or he simply prefers the quiet and comfort of his home… He may prefer to play and read at home or prefer Mommy’s food to school lunches. Sometimes, he just enjoyed his vacation so much that he prefers to prolong the ease, comfort and lack of pressure and schoolwork.
In this case, parents must unequivocally emphasize and insist that he uphold a regular schedule. They must clarify that remaining home is not an option, and the kid will quickly revert back to a regular schedule.
Notwithstanding, one of the most significant roles of parents and mechanchim is imbuing a child with love of Torah, love of learning, and love of the makom Torah that cultivates his skills and abilities.
Chazal teach that “The Name of heaven should be beloved through you.” Our mission is to find the golden path and recall that it is our obligation to build love and desire for holiness in our children.
The key to this is found in the way that we present these messages to our children. If we learn Torah reluctantly, with a sour, grudging face, then our children will experience Torah as heavy and tedious. In contrast, when we approach Torah with love and joy, then our children absorb it as the most precious and beloved acquisition in the world!
We must also strive to generate interest in learning and build positive, happy activities and experiences in everything that relates to school. Moreover, we must appreciate any sacred item. One way to do this is by hosting a siyum every time our children complete a masechta of Mishnayos, Gemara, or even a sugya…
In conclusion, the key to chinuch and ensuring that kids are happy going to school and following the ways of the Avos is with a practical approach that appreciates Torah, mitzvos, and those who uphold it.
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