Q: First of all, I want to take the opportunity to express my gratitude to you for this column. I read your last column about setting boundaries for kids, which spurred another question that’s been bothering me for some time: Waking up my kids in the morning.
My son is in yeshivah and still has a very hard time waking up in the morning. He’s gotten into trouble with the yeshivah staff, which is causing us a great deal of aggravation. We’ve attempted several strategies already, but none of them yielded positive results, and I’d appreciate your advice.
A: Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a:
Getting kids to wake up in the morning is a problem in many homes, which is why it’s an important issue to discuss. There are many reasons that might be causing this problem, and the solutions are just as varied. In this column, we will address two of the most common reasons, and I hope that this will help you surmount this hurdle.
Waking up in the morning is a struggle for everyone, although it is clear that it is easier for some than others. Part of the difference is dependent on a person’s nature; however there is an internal factor that impacts this, as well.
This factor becomes evident when observing the same child who struggles every day to get up in the morning on the day of a school trip. No one is surprised to find him up, dressed and raring to go long before his mother’s alarm clock even starts ringing.
On the other side of the coin, there are many adults who struggle to get up on fast days.
The above indicates that one’s inclination and sense of responsibility toward waking up in the morning is influenced by the upcoming events of the day. The thought of an exciting day filled with memorable experiences, successes and accomplishments will catapult us out of bed, whereas knowledge of a day in the doldrums will keep us in a prone position.
With this information, we return to your question. First, it’s strongly recommended to ascertain if your child is struggling academically, socially or emotionally in school. If this is the case, work on developing a practical, workable solution to the problem, because once the problem is solved, the reluctance to wake up in the morning will likely disappear as well!
The above is one option, and there is also a distinct possibility that your child is not suffering from anything external, but is simply lazy!
If this is the problem, then ask yourself, how do you react when your child is late again?
We’ll take the example of a preschool child before continuing to your specific question that regards adolescents. In general, the preschooler travels on a private bus or van to school with his friends. When he’s late, there is usually no choice but to drive him or send him by car service to school.
Entering the child’s mind and viewing the scenario from his youthful perspective, it’s intriguing to realize that the child may not suffer any consequences at all from being late! On the contrary, he may benefit tremendously from it since he enjoys a private trip with his parents and maybe even a small treat! What could be better than that?
The point is that someone who gains as a result of running late has no reason to stop. The trick is to show him how much he loses out from his laziness, so he won’t have reason to repeat the behavior.
On a similar level, when a teenager ‘benefits’ in any way from being late, he has no reason or motive to improve his behavior, whereas seeing the negative and detrimental outcome of his lateness can bring him to quit the habit.
Without more background into your specific case, it’s difficult to pinpoint either the source or remedy of your son’s problem, yet parents can still seek to counteract and neutralize any potential benefits that draw from waking up late.
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