Q: I would very much appreciate your response to my question. I am affiliated with a large and respected kehillah that my family has belonged to for several generations. I grew up in this kehillah, spent all my formative years learning in its mosdos, and am a product of its system. However, recently, I began to feel that I can gain more spiritually and emotionally elsewhere. I began attending shiurim and shalosh seudos in a different beis medrash and feel deeply inspired by a great mashpia who is not part of our kehillah, and have since felt a new and enhanced taste in Yiddishkeit and avodas Hashem.
Recently, a friend mentioned that the draw I feel to other settings is harmful to my children and their chinuch. Is this true?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a, responds:
First of all, I want to thank you for raising this subject in a public forum. It is a very important issue that impacts many individuals and their families.
To start, I want to emphasize that, without a doubt, yearning for spiritual awakening and aspiring for growth in avodas Hashem is a positive trait. However, I will also counter that by saying that in order to ensure that our chidren’s chinuch is not compromised in any way, but rather reinforced, it is important to act with caution and ensure that this ‘search’ is conducted properly.
When parents transmit to their children the knowledge that they identify and belong to a particular sector / community / concept, the child latches onto the sector / community / concept, and it becomes an integral part of his identity. When the sector/community/concept is a positive influence and experience, it contributes and enhances the child’s emotional health and development.
Today, we live in a world replete with opportunities, options, groups and places that invite us to taste, experience and enter their fold. Some of these options are positive—such as the settings that you described; while many more, unfortunately, are perilous, encompassing grave spiritual hazards.
Hashem created parents with an instinctive need to protect their children from danger. He likewise imbued within us a natural desire to want our children to follow in our paths—and this is usually expressed in our wish that they will continue identifying with our social group, identity and ideals. Practically, this acquisition and connection is realized when the child bonds positively, on a physical and emotional level, to the above.
Physical acquisition occurs when the society/community is fixed, the attire and customs are consistent, and the expectations clear. Emotional acquisition occurs when the child feels that the parent also identifies and appreciates the group. In contrast, when parents criticize or mock the leaders or customs of their own community, the children often leave on their own—and who can blame them?
Now that we have clarified that imparting strong identity and sentiments of belonging to a child are critical aspects in chinuch and the child’s emotional and spiritual maturation, and that the stronger and more stable it is, so too the child’s feelings and attachment to the community—we can return to your original question.
Your thirst to acquire spiritual inspiration from a positive source is a fundamental aspect of avodas Hashem and Yiddishkeit. However, it must not come at the expense of transmitting positive identity and feelings of belonging to your children—which is a vital aspect of child-rearing. On the other hand, if your children do possess a clear, strong identity, they will likely be able to acknowledge and understand that their father may still seek guidance and inspiration from a mashpia who is not part of their immediate circle or enjoy davening occasionally in a different shul either because it is enjoyable or more convenient, without it bearing any negative impact on their chinuch or spiritual development.
Comments