First, I would like to thank you for the new column and for the opportunity to receive an answer about chinuch issues; this is a great help to me!
This is my question: My daughter is a smart, good-hearted girl, Boruch Hashem, but in one area she never fails to put me on the spot, particularly during shopping trips. She asks me to buy things that we did not plan to buy, such as candy and games. Sometimes it seems as though she will never be satisfied…
I don’t know what to do, because on the one hand, it is clear to me that exaggerated giving is not good chinuch, but on the other hand, I am afraid that she will feel unloved.
I would like to know how much it is appropriate to give, a lot or a little; or maybe not at all?
HaRav HaGaon R’ Dovid, Shlita: Giving advice from afar, without being familiar with the special conditions in a particular home or particular child, is not beneficial, and therefore we will not relate to this specific case. However, we will address the topic of giving in general, and the connection between giving and love.
It is a common mistake to believe that extensive giving is a tool that creates love between the receiver and the giver. In fact, the opposite is correct. The receiver often does not appreciate the giving, and as a result of this, the giver becomes angry about the receiver’s ingratitude, which ironically creates an eventual distance between the two parties.
Buying something due to the child’s insistence certainly does not create love; nor does it show the child that we love him. It only opens the way to manipulation.
[Chazal’s statement, “And buy for yourself a friend”, refers primarily to using words that connect, compliment, and show sincere interest in another person, and also to giving that reflects consideration for the receiver, his needs and desires. ]
Many parents are frightened and feel guilty when their child asserts that they do not fulfill his desires because they do not love him…this is a mistake; the child is merely using these words as a practical tactic to get what he wants.
Children are clever, and they know which button is the most worthwhile to push in order to get things from their parents.
On the other hand, we should buy gifts, without being asked, to show appreciation for good behavior, etc. This is a first-rate educational tool that expresses to our child which values are important to us.
It is also worthwhile to occasionally give a gift for no particular reason. For example, a surprise gift of a watch which you present with the words, “I thought you would really like this watch that I saw in the store!” This form of giving, which comes from a pure desire to do something nice for the other person, goes a long way in strengthening closeness and love!
A good, loving relationship between parents and children is the basis for successful chinuch.
May Hashem help all of us to merit much nachas from our children.
Comments