Thank you for creating this wonderful forum where we can pose our questions and dilemmas in chinuch, and benefit from clear, excellent and practical advice!
Q: I wanted to ask how I am supposed to react when my son comes from cheider and tearfully declares that his rebbi punished him “for no reason.” On one hand, it’s clear that the boy is hurt and needs support, comfort and encouragement. On the other hand, it is right to validate the boy and take sides against his rebbi?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a:
Your question broaches a very critical topic in chinuch—the interface between parents and mechanchim. This is a very broad and complex theme and difficult to condense into a brief column, which is why I will focus only on the actual question while clarifying that this answer must be understood in the context of a much larger framework.
When a child comes home crying that his rebbi punished him unfairly, the parent’s instinctive reaction is to investigate the story and determine who’s right and who’s wrong. Was the punishment legitimate or not?
If the rebbi was right, then we tend to tell the child, “Look, you didn’t behave properly in class, and you deserved to be punished.” In some cases, parents may even choose to add a punishment of their own for the misconduct. If, on the other hand, the child is right and he was unfairly punished, then the instinctive reaction is to tell the boy that he’s right, the rebbi was wrong, and call the principal to complain about the incident.
Both of these reactions are wrong! But why?
If the child deserved to be punished, then he was punished already. He paid the price and learned his lesson, so why pour salt on his wounds?
If the boy was innocent and didn’t deserve to be punished, then it is also wrong to criticize the rebbi openly in front of the child since a child must hold his rebbi in the highest esteem! The rebbi is a conduit of limud Torah, and Chazal teach: “Your fear of your rebbi should be as your fear of Heaven.” On a practical level, as well, criticizing a child’s rebbi destroys the delicate fabric and respect that a child has for the chinuch system and, thus, compromises his spiritual identity and long-term connection to the Torah that he learns!
It is permissible, and in many cases, even necessary to speak to the rebbi, inquire about the circumstances, listen to him and then express your views. But when speaking to the child, a parent must make it clear that he is bound to respect, honor and listen to his rebbi!
So what should be done?
The first step is to stop and reflect momentarily what the child wants from you? Why did he share the story in the first place? In most cases, the child is simply asking for validation and sympathy, not to render judgment about who is right and wrong… The child is asking and needs empathy, support and encouragement to return to schedule and carry on after the pain and humiliation that he endured.
Consider the example of a naughty child who climbed a high tree and fell down. What does he need now? For his mother to yell at him, “Didn’t I tell you a thousand times not to climb the tree…?”
Every parent knows that the child understands good and well that he shouldn’t have climbed the tree and that he learned a powerful lesson from the fall. What the child needs now is physical help, a bandage if necessary, and above all…sympathy.
The same applies to our situation. In this case, too, what the boy needs are warm words, a hug, and a comforting shoulder.
Without rendering judgment, one thing you can tell the child is, “I know you, and I know that you do your best. Whatever happened, im yirtzeh Hashem, won’t happen again.”
The mussar shmuess—if deserved—can wait for another opportunity, or else we can assume that the child learned his own lesson. What we must remember all along is that a child who is suffering needs and deserves sympathy and encouragement, not to be judged right or wrong...
Comments