Dear Rav Levy, shlit”a
First I want to thank you for this wonderful column that deals with questions in chinuch and authority. I greatly enjoy the advice and tips that I’ve gained over the past months, and they’ve come to excellent use. Yasher koach!
I’m actually disturbed by a different point, and I wonder if this is even the proper forum to present it. Yet since I do feel that it is affecting the chinuch I’m giving to my children, I am raising it in the hope that you will address it:
My son never sits through a full davening in shul, spending the vast majority of it playing outside. In contrast, a boy who sits on our bench and is a full year younger than my son sits quietly through the entire davening and davens with kavanah.
I do not see that his father, with whom I’m closely acquainted, invests any special energies in encouraging his son to sit and daven, whereas I’ve done everything that I can to convince my son to sit next to me and daven, to no avail.
What am I doing wrong? Is there a secret to teaching a child to love tefillah?
Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a: There are certainly many, many secrets in chinuch, and it’s crucial that we invest effort, time and energy in order to learn what they are and how to implement them.
However, regarding your specific question, there is also truth to the fact that there are some people who simply don’t have to work as hard to educate their children properly, because there are some kids who are naturally more disciplined than others.
On the other hand, it’s important to call attention to the other side of the coin. Mischievous or rambunctious children who can’t sit still are often the talented, sharp and highly perceptive ones. Quiet, submissive children are usually less creative and take less initiative, while kids who enjoy playing are generally socially successful.
This is all part of the wondrous fact that Hashem created a world and filled it with so many people. Chazal teach says in Brachos 58a: “One who sees a congregation of Yisrael should recite, ‘Baruch Chacham Harazim, for their intellects do not resemble one another, and their faces do not resemble one another.” Similarly, every child is entrusted with a different mission and role in this world.
As parents, we must remember and reinforce the belief that our children are merely deposits, and that it is our duty to strive to educate each child along his unique path. The outcome is not up to us, and there is a very large realm dependent upon the child’s bechirah, his choices, his nature and temperament, and the places where life leads them. Still, none of the above is sufficient cause to absolve ourselves of our responsibilities in chinuch.
Returning to the practical aspect of your question, there are children who do have difficulty sitting sit. Yet this, like most challenges, grows easier with age and time, albeit the challenge is real and it remains. It is unfair and wrong to compare one child to another, and it is up to us to identify the special path that speaks to his heart and will encourage him to learn and daven properly.
Saying something like, “Why are you always playing outside? Look at Yanky! He’s sitting so nicely next to his Tatty!” is the opposite approach to true, sincere chinuch.
What we all need is a dose of patience, and then another overdose of patience—because that’s the true secret to chinuch!
Wishing you loads of Yiddishe nachas from your children!
Comments