Q: Baruch Hashem, I’m a mother to two darling daughters, ages 3½ and 2. Having heard much about the importance of proper chinuch in our generation, and as one who spends a great deal of time with my children, I wonder if there are messages that I can start conveying to my daughters at this stage in their lives.
Whenever an opportunity arises, I try teaching them lessons, and my impression is that they do listen. Still, I wonder if there is a purpose or significance to what I’m saying and doing. They’re little girls, and it’s hard to tell if they even understand what I’m saying, let alone if they’re absorbing and internalizing these messages. I’d be very interested to hear the Rav’s approach on teaching children at such a young age, and if there is any purpose in it.
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a:
I would like to preface my response by first analyzing the chinuch process. How do we educate our children? And, more importantly, how do our children learn and absorb proper conduct and values?
There are two central aspects of education: Direct, conscious chinuch, and indirect, subconscious chinuch.
Many parents place the bulk of their chinuch efforts on direct education, by speaking to the children, telling them stories about tzaddikim, loading them with instructions and rebuke, telling them what to do, what not to do, when and when not, etc., while remaining oblivious to the other critical aspect of chinuch which is force of habit.
Habit and routine are invaluable tools that we make use of all the time and that spare us many a challenge and struggle. Sometimes, activities become so routine and habitual that we don’t even notice them anymore! Just imagine how complicated it would be and how much effort it would take if you had to stop and think every time you sat down to a meal how to eat, what basic table manners are, if and how to make a brachah on the food and after eating, etc.
Instead, at least for most of us, basic etiquette and table manners are second nature, and this is thanks to habits that we acquired throughout our lives—often at a very early age. Habit and routine make life simpler, smoother, more pleasant, and likewise mold our character, refining us into more considerate, agreeable human beings. A person with good habits is a better person—both bein odom la’Makom and bein odom la’chaveiro—without even having to think about it!
Now that we’ve discussed the concept of habit, let’s take a moment to analyze how and where we draw our habits—the positive ones and less-than-positive ones. Few are the people who acquire habits independently, based on their own thoughts and philosophies; most acquire them by emulating others, most notably their parents and other influential figures in their environment.
Perhaps the best example of this is good manners. Most people in our society act politely, exhibiting proper conduct and etiquette. They say ‘please’ upon requesting an item or service and ‘thank you’ upon receiving it. They speak in a calm tone, don’t yell without reason, don’t push or shove, and address others respectfully. Did we ever stop to think why we do this? Probably not. It’s just that we’ve seen our parents do it, our neighbors do it, our teachers do it, and just about everyone else around us acting this way—and feeling that it’s the right thing to do, we model the behavior.
Looking inward, we’ll reveal that the majority of our fundamental values were acquired in much the same fashion. Our opinions and sentiments toward particular activities, behaviors, and even dress—whether it is good or bad, attractive or repulsive, proper or improper—were absorbed by observing the behavior and reactions of the role models in our life, based on their experiences, statements and reactions.
The above is the core of indirect chinuch, which is based on the consensus that there is good and bad, how it is manifested in the world.
Now that we’ve summarized indirect chinuch, let’s return to your original question:
All agree that early childhood years are not the auspicious age or time to teach children profound life lessons. At this delicate stage in their development, they lack the capacity and tools to grasp, comprehend and certainly to absorb deep concepts. However, even—and especially—at this age, it behooves both parent and child to exploit the time to ingrain positive habits, to teach them to conduct themselves as mentchen, to eat politely, to say please and thank you, and show appreciation.
In fact, this stage in life—when the child is still innocent and unexposed to the big world—is the ideal time to ingrain good habits in children. A child who absorbs lessons and good manners at a young age acquires them for life, and they escort him throughout his years as second nature, sparing him the need and struggle to fight negative tendencies and poor habits later on.
Furthermore, as the child begins developing a worldview, it’s as fresh ink on pristine white paper. Thus, by modeling our own positive behavior and values, we indirectly ingrain myriad lessons and inscribe fundamental values on his heart and mind that remain with him forever.
On the flip side, it is likewise crucial for us to prevent our young children’s exposure to negative scenes, conduct and speech, because specifically at this young and innocent stage, they are open to everything and lack necessary tools to critique and choose good behavior and values over negatives ones.
May Hashem grant you bountiful nachas from your children!
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