Thank you for this opportunity to ask my questions and receive clear, educational answers. It is so helpful and appreciated!
Last Shabbos, my extended family gathered for a special reunion Shabbos in honor of my father’s 60th birthday. Shabbos was beautiful. The atmosphere was uplifted, and my father reaped such nachas! However when I compared my kids to their cousins, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment. When their parents told them to go to sleep, they went immediately; but when I told my kids that it was time for bed, they continued playing for another hour, avoiding me again and again.
What magic touch in parenting do my siblings have that I don’t?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds:
I’m glad this question was raised, because it’s a paramount issue in chinuch, and your struggle is one shared by many wonderful parents.
First of all, there’s no magic touch or secret weapon here, and I’ll take the liberty of saying that even you exert the same authority on many occasions without noticing it.
I’ll use the example that your three-year-old plays with a muktzeh toy on Shabbos. You give a single shout, and wonder of wonders! The kid puts it away and doesn’t touch it for the rest of Shabbos.
So the real question isn’t, ‘Why doesn’t it work for me?’ but ‘Why doesn’t this work for me all of the time?’
The answer is rooted in one crucial aspect: Parental confidence.
When the issue regards something black and white, like muktzeh, the parent has no question or doubt that the child must put it down immediately, and so he does. However, in a ‘grayer’ area like going to sleep, there are times that even the parent isn’t convinced about the absolute necessity of going to sleep right now. He might reflect, ‘tonight is a special night,’ or ‘it wouldn’t hurt to give them a little more time …’ which leaves the child an opening to gain that extra ten minutes or even hour of staying up. In contrast, when the entire family returns from a simchah late at night, a single firm, “Everyone, straight into bed!” is sufficient.
How quickly a child will or will not go to sleep does not depend on how tired he is, but how confident the parent is in the importance of the child going to sleep right then.
Children are deeply attuned to our feelings, and they immediately sense our level of confidence and self-assurance. They are also more inclined to comply when parents are consistent in their expectations and demands.
A crucial foundation in parenting is that children require clearly-defined boundaries and limits. Boundaries give a child confidence and ability to trust; facilitate him in his struggles against harmful influences; and empower him to face life and a world that is naturally filled with boundaries—be they physical, religious, or moral.
The above doesn’t regard only incontrovertible boundaries. It is important to uphold certain boundaries and limits that could be conceded, as well, in order to teach self-control and compliance with authority. Obviously parents should not lay down too many unnecessary laws because children, who are naturally independent, are unable to accept too many limits that are not conventional to society, and it is best to avoid the inevitable conflict by forgoing most unnecessary boundaries in advance.
To sum it up, a supreme aspect of chinuch, in addition to positive explanation and discussion of values, is setting boundaries. Boundaries are invaluable, contributing both to the child’s self-esteem and confidence and guiding him to live a life of Torah and Jewish values, not to mention promoting order and discipline in the home!
Wishing you endless Yiddishe nachas from your children!
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