There is nothing essential to the Jewish home as peace and harmony. Shlomo Hamelech teaches in sefer Mishlei, “Tov pas chareva u’shalom ba, mibayis malei zivchei riv, better a piece of dry bread and tranquility with it, than a house full of sacrifices of strife” (17:1). This subject is discussed at length in sefer Shalom v’Re’us published by Pele Yoetz Center.
Now, in these days of quarantine and forced isolation, a happy, peaceful home becomes all the more crucial for several reasons:
A. The extended stay at home and lack of contact with others provokes new arguments and stirs up old ones. Suddenly, one is spending time with one’s spouse all day long, noticing all his or her faults that usually aren’t evident in the constant flurry of life. He wastes so much time! She can’t keep the house straight! Why can’t he help out when I’m working so hard? Why can’t she put the phone down and listen to the kids? He’s glued to the news…
Usually, both partners are together at home for specific stretches each day. Over time, they develop methods of coping effectively with differences in approach and the various quirks in each other’s personalities. When suddenly thrust together for multiple hours a day, these differences swiftly rise to the fore, lending to increased criticism, grievances and resentment.
B. Everyone’s anxieties and fears are heightened when parents are at odds with each other.
The most common roots of fear are uncertainty of the future and the sense of powerlessness. These negative feelings are allayed when a person feels that others care about him and want the very best for him, when the atmosphere is warm, safe and accepting, and the people in his environment exude a sense of confidence and assurance that things are under control. This is even truer in the case of children who lack knowledge and solid haskkafos, and whose feelings and worries are cast after their parents’ moods and the emotions broadcasted to them.
This is what Dovid Hamelech intended when he said, “Yehi shalom b’cheilech, shalvah b’armenosayich.” When there is peace in your walls, only then shall there be tranquility in your palaces!
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Now that we have discussed the main reasons why it is so critical to strive for peace and domestic harmony now more than ever, we can proceed to the much more challenging how… How we do keep the peace? How do we avoid arguments and strife? How do we keep everyone happy and upbeat when kids and adults alike are suffering from an overdose of cabin fever?
The very first step to overcoming the challenge is awareness. This means being conscious that the challenge exists, the potential problems likely to arise, and just as important—the special opportunities that we have to take the lemons and create lemonade!
Obviously, this scenario is new and unprecedented for everyone, but all of us have enjoyed—or at least endured—family vacations, and we can draw parallels from it now.
Vacations can be the best of times, or the worst of times. They pose opportunities for family growth, togetherness, and fun-filled memories that last a lifetime, but they can also be destructive.
Description:
For the past two months, we’ve witnessed the terrifying trend of the coronavirus pandemic, which has led to worldwide illness and tragic deaths. Around the globe, world leaders are struggling to cope with the challenges on a massive, countrywide scale; while each individual is dealing with changes on the home front which include home quarantines, steps to avoid contracting the virus, and drastically reduced incomes. What began with closing the borders to foreigners and home quarantines of anyone suspected of carrying the illness has progressed to a virtual nationwide lockdown.
Emerging Problems:
The resulting sentiments of all this are increased fear and anxiety for our health and the health of our loved ones, especially the elderly, and financial worries that are only augmented with Pesach right around the corner. Add to this having kids home from school, bored and antsy, and there is a clear recipe for aggravation and strife.
Shalom bayis may be compromised due to the extended time spent at home. Despite the physical proximity, there is a natural and expected emotional distancing that occurs as a result.
The Opportunity:
Creating a warm, happy, close-knit ambiance at home that facilitates closeness and understanding, and encourages fun activities and memorable experiences. The knowledge that others in the family care about you and want the best for you is both gratifying and empowering.
Summary:
The current situation is laden with potential friction and challenges, with the primary root being emotional detachment. The methods of overcoming are care, commitment and concern.
How can one broadcast concern for the family?
A. Paying attention and listening
Encourage your spouse to express his/her opinion and feelings about the current situation and about life in general. This is an excellent way of showing support and care for the personal challenges that he/she is enduring.
Be careful! Such a discussion can easily reverse and backfire, when instead of listening, the spouse tries to give advice, cite statistics or offer false reassurances, or worse yet, criticism. Examples of such discussions include when the wife begins describing her fear of the virus, and the husband, while intending to calm her, cites statistics that indicate that becoming seriously ill from coronavirus is about as likely as winning the lottery. On the other end, when the husband decides to stay home from work out of concern of contracting the virus, the wife says that her brother-in-law goes to work normally without worry.
Reactions that seek to annul fear have the opposite effect of the desired outcome, serving only to augment it. They intensify panic and contribute to emotional detachment and the feeling that “no one understands me.”
The right way to go about this conversation is to listen patiently to the fear and validate it. Validating a person’s feelings reassures him that he is not alone in his fear, and that there is someone there with him to help his overcome it. After validating the fear, get to know it better—discuss it, explore all its parts, and then slowly dismantle it and show the other person effective means of overcoming it. An excellent way of overcoming fear is contemplating it and imagining the reality.
(This may not be relevant in our current situation, but I’ll add as an aside that even a person who stands at death’s doorstep can be abetted with this technique of identifying fear and dismantling it into segments, [i.e. worry for the spouse and children left behind and the anxiety that he didn’t accomplish all he wanted to do in life…])
B. Noting the person’s emotional reaction to your actions and responses
Sometimes, an activity that one spouse feels is completely normal and justified given the situation, such as keeping up-to-date on the news, etc., can appear to the other spouse as detachment, escape or lack of interest in him/her. On the other end, the house may be upside down because the wife is distracted or overwhelmed and the kids are all home, but to the husband, it may feel as if she doesn’t care enough to keep it clean.
Investing the extra effort for the sake of peace is critical during these times. Part of this is explaining one’s own challenges and listening to and accepting the challenges of the other.
C. Partnership
Fostering an atmosphere that we’re all in this together, and for each other. Let’s do our best to create a working system of jobs and chores that benefit the entire family. Having a job and responsibility fosters feelings of purpose, satisfaction, joy and accomplishment. Simultaneously, everyone should be willing to help the other and lend a hand when a job becomes too difficult or lonely.
D. Make It Memorable
It’s a great idea to have at least one family meal a day, a time when everyone can sit together in a relaxed atmosphere, sans pressure, sans work, and spend time talking, telling jokes and stories, and just enjoying. You can also try sitting down on the floor or around the table and playing a family board game, blasting music in the house and dancing, or having the kids put on skits.
The main thing is to let your family know that you enjoy them, cherish their company, and that nothing is more valuable to you than family!
Summary: The situation in which we find ourselves, albeit not by choice, can be transformed into a time of building, strengthening family relationships and creating lasting memories!
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