Q: Following your recent column on sibling rivalry and fighting, I was wondering how I, as a parent, should react to sibling envy.
I have two children who are each special in his own way, although they couldn’t be more different. One child is unusually talented—bright, intelligent and a good student. The other child is much weaker, and perhaps because of this, quite lazy, as well.
In the natural course of things, the older son often gets rewarded and praised for his achievements in learning, good grades, and positive behavior; while the younger son, regrettably, earns much less. This spurs an unfortunate trend of jealousy and a host of unfortunate consequences.
My question is: What should I do? How should I react? Should I reward the older one less? He deserves the praise and accolades! Should I reward the young one more? He doesn’t really deserve it, and if I reward him unjustly, then he won’t be inclined to try.
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy responds:
Jealousy between siblings is a common occurrence, and the reason for this is exactly as you described: In most families, there is inevitably one kid who is smarter, more talented and successful than another.
This is a very broad and loaded topic than can’t possibly be covered in a single column. However, I will endeavor to share with you several significant points and insights on the subject that I hope will be useful:
In the everyday world, we view kinah, jealousy, as a purely evil trait. This is manifest in what many parents instinctively tell their children in the most ineffective way: “Don’t be jealous!” The more compassionate parent may attempt to compensate the weaker child by discreetly slipping him a treat or creating a special chart that suits his skills and enables him to succeed, but doesn’t necessarily solve the jealousy problem.
One reason that parents refuse to tolerate a situation of jealousy is the prevalent belief that jealousy is an inherently evil and sinful trait, as the gemara expresses:
“Rav said: One should not single out one son from the others, for because of the weight of two coins that Yaakov gave Yosef more than his brothers, they were jealous of him, and the events unfolded that led our forefathers down to Egypt” (Shabbos 10b).
Chazal, however, indicate otherwise, when teaching, “Kinas softim tarbeh chochmah, envy of scholars brings more wisdom” (Bava Basra 21a). Here, we see that envy can also have a desirable end, spurring man into action, causing him to improve his modus operandi and produce better results.
This is one positive facet of envy; and it is up to us as parents to identify when envy is destructive and when it is constructive and has the potential to facilitate growth.
The second point that I wish to mention is that underlying the parental approach that naturally eschews jealousy is the belief that equality and fairness is the ideal reality. However, we need not recall Russia’s Soviet history, where equality was enforced, to know that it is a lose-lose situation… In our homes, as well, it is clear that every child possesses unique strengths and talents, distinct skills and capacities. Absolute equality is a myth that doesn’t exist anywhere!
As the child grows up, he’ll enter a big wide world where we, his parents, will not be able to protect him or buy him treats to compensate for the unfairness of life. In the real world, there are millionaires and paupers, geniuses and illiterates, tall and short, beautiful and unattractive, successes and failures. There is no way to effectively eliminate jealousy, and neither it is necessary since there are times when it has its positive effects, as well.
Back to your question: You’re right that when a child behaves properly, works hard and succeeds on a test, he deserves praise and/or reward, and you should not worry about inciting envy.
If your younger son still envies his older brother, then call him aside and promise him that when he gets tested, he will also be rewarded. In most cases, the child knows that this is true; and the message empowers him to confront a very unfair world and will, hopefully, inspire him to work harder and advance on his own level.
In the same regard, it is also our responsibility as parents to ensure that the second child receives the love and attention that he needs and deserves, independent of his achievements. Indeed, Chazal teach, “One should not single out one son from the other sons,” as the damage to the soul of a child who feel unloved is irreparable.
We should all daven that, as parents, we should never stumble on the fine line between positive reinforcement that encourages progress and playing favorites among our children which destroys relationships and causes deep pain to the child.
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