Question: Following the coronavirus crisis, my 18-year-old son doesn’t want to go back to Yeshiva. Initially, he claimed that he wasn’t sure he could commit to the strict capsule regulations enforced in his Yeshiva, and when we finally convinced him to try, the Yeshiva refused to take him back since it violated the capsule quarantine rules that had already entered into effect. Our son is deeply insulted; he’s obviously growing accustomed to a schedule-free life, and we worry about him both in the short- and long-term. What can we do rectify or at least improve the situation?
Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: I am deeply distressed to read your letter, which is why I am taking this opportunity to issue my heartfelt cry to all Yeshivos and mechanchim to invest concerted efforts to draw our precious talmidim close rather than reject them and risk this dangerous spiritual disconnection from their spiritual life’s source.
If the capsule system is not viable or appropriate for certain bachurim, then another solution must be found. Moreover, Yeshiva faculties should maintain a steady connection with their bachurim, which will likewise keep the bachurim connected to their learning and our holy Yeshiva world.
I think it would be wonderful if every bachur would receive a phone call at least once a week from a member of his Yeshiva faculty, with the conversation focusing not only on what he is learning but also how is he doing in a general sense—how he is feeling, how he is utilizing his time, and if he feels good about himself. This provides bachurim with an opportunity to express themselves, their feelings, challenges and successes, and if necessary, seek solutions to issues that irk or distress them.
For bachurim who are not yet returning to Yeshiva, Yeshivos should arrange a place where bachurim in each neighborhood or city can learn together. Each group should be under the auspices of one faculty member who should visit frequently to maintain a kesher with the bachurim.
The current situation, though not ideal, presents an opportunity for a unique mode of learning that is different than we’ve ever known before, but can be just as powerful and elevating. Instead of learning the standard Yeshiva curriculum, bachurim can delve into various halachic sugyos beginning with the Gemara and continuing until the piskei Achronim. Avreichim from the community can also be engaged to learn sifrei machshavah with them.
The bottom line is that, no matter where he may be, no Yeshiva bachur should feel that he has left Yeshiva, but rather, that his Yeshiva remains with him always. He should also feel confident that the curernt times pose an intriguing challenge, but also a rare opportunity that can catapult him to new madreigos in learning.
Now, returning to your specific question, how can we help draw your bachur out of his current rut?
In most cases, with the help of a mentor and solid parental guidance, bachurim overcome such ‘down times’ and, b’ezras Hashem, get back on track. As parents, what you can do in order to help him and prevent further deterioration is, first and foremost, avoid impulsive, angry and alarmed reactions—since the damage wrought by such reactions is often worse than the problem itself.
The following are other important tools that will help you deal with the current situation:
Strengthen parental authority in the home, which will have benefits for the entire family.
Identify the roots of the problem and potential solutions, preferably with a mentor. In many cases, a bachur’s poor judgment results from false perceptions or a misguided outlook on life or the people around him.
It’s vital to recall that every bachur has an intrinsic desire to be good, to continue along the straight path of Torah and yiras Shamayim, tp bring nachas to his parents, and to succeed rather than be idle. Sometimes, though, he simply doesn’t believe that it’s possible. As parents, the greatest gift we can give our child when he is suffering is to imbue him with motivation and belief in his ability to succeed, to identify the good and beautiful within him, and express our love verbally and through actions.
In your specific case, I strongly recommend that you appeal directly to Pele Yoetz or a similar organization that can refer you to the appropriate counselors.
Above all, let us daven that we shall all emerge from this corona crisis physically and spiritually sound, and stronger than ever!
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