Q: Dear Rabbi Levy,
I wanted to ask what may be a funny question, but it’s been irking me for a while, so I decided to pose it in this forum. I’ve heard the Rav mention on numerous occasions that it is vital to seek help and advice when facing various life challenges—whether chinuch or shalom bayis, etc., and I want to ask why this is necessary?
I recently had an issue that I thought would be beneficial for me to discuss with a professional. When I went for the consultation, I couldn’t get past the feeling that I’m smarter than him and know more than he does, so why I should listen to what he says?
I hope the question does not come across as arrogant. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read and reply.
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Your question is very legitimate, and it is a feeling shared by many. I could easily answer your question with maamarei Chazal such as “Eizehu chacham? Halomed mikol adam. Who is wise? One who learns from every man.” While this is undoubtedly true, I am quite certain that it won’t satisfy you.
Instead, I’ll answer you like a good Jew—with a question of my own. If you’re asking how bright or intelligent the counselor/consultant is, I can ask you the same question about yourself: What makes you so sure that you’re smart?
You may answer that you know yourself well and begin enumerating your talents and skills, but I’ll counter that this isn’t sufficient, because even a fool is convinced that he’s a genius!
The halachah regarding a nega tzaraas is that a person cannot identify a nega on his own body. Sifrei mussar use this halachah to express the concept that identifying one’s weaknesses and failing requires the objective view of an outsider. To an extent, every person is blinded to his own faults and is thus incapable of seeing himself and his personal situation from a clearly objective standpoint.
This is the first benefit to seeking external counseling (even if, as you say, you may be smarter than the counselor).
A second benefit that counseling brings is a bird’s eye view of your situation. The best parable of this is a person lost for many long hours in the labyrinthine streets of an unfamiliar city with no map leading him to his destination. The moment he turns on his GPS, he can instantly see the full map of the city and find his way.
Similarly, when someone is emotionally and physically embroiled in any complex interpersonal relationship, it is virtually impossible of him to find a safe way out before he regards it from a calm, objective viewpoint.
Shlomo Hamelech exhorts us in Sefer Mishlei “Daagah belev ish yasichena, a worry in man’s heart; he shall speak it out.” When we verbalize our challenges and problems, we gain insight and understanding of its true proportions, and this is one of the key benefits to consulting with others.
A professional consultant should possess knowledge and experience to guide you and offer effective advice that culls from years of dealing with similar or parallel situations. I would say that a wise man learns from other people’s trials and errors, while others prefer to try and err themselves…
The bottom line is that it is always worthwhile to listen to those with experience and, of course, to heed the words of our sages!
Wishing you loads of nachas and hatzlachah!
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