Dear Rav Levy shlit”a,
My oldest son suffers from ADD but often doesn’t take his medication. When I asked him why, he explained that he feels that the medication takes away all his geshmak, his vitality, his drive. When he doesn’t take his pill he’s the life of the party, he speaks to everyone about everything with so much excitement, but when he takes the pill everything is too calm…
On the other hand, he also acknowledges that the medication helps his learning, and he can concentrate during the shiur and learn with his chavrusah for a long stretch of time without taking breaks.
What should I say to him?
Rav Dovid Levy shlit”a: First, you have to validate his feelings: “You’re torn between two worlds. On the one hand you want to be involved, but on the other hand you really want to succeed in your learning. You feel as though you’re missing out on all the enjoyment of life when you take the pills and you’re not prepared to give up on that.
It’s also worth trying to explain to him why it’s so important to deal with his attention disorder: A bachur who doesn’t listen to the shiur and learn with his chavrusah can so quickly become disconnected from his circle of friends.
Honestly, your son seems to fully understand the advantages of taking his pill but what bothers him is that he feels he’s missing out on himself! He’s missing his unique personality and his special place among his friends.
He identifies himself as a person who loves “action” and social situations… He feels that everyone respects and listens intently to his opinion. He really enjoys that he has something unique to offer to his friends. That’s why he’s so scared to lose all this!
You need to explain to him that his self description as “the main talker” really means “always jumping in first” which friends do NOT appreciate! On the contrary, people enjoy when others listen to their opinions and are not always talking.
Tell him that “Your friends will be so happy to listen to your opinion when it’s thought out. When you listen and understand what bothers them they’ll value your help and then they’ll value you too!|”
There are also advantages to concentration difficulties: The ability to handle several things at the same time, extra creativity, energy and more.
It’s so important to explain to him that his contribution to the group does not always mean being the leader.
Explain to him that his job is to help his family and Klal Yisrael with the abilities and talents that are uniquely his, but that he still needs a healthy basis to be able to learn Torah in-depth and with diligence, get used to dealing with others, develop social and communication skills etc.
Emphasize to him that a long, good life awaits him. “In the future you’ll need to establish a home, bring up children, financially support yourself. But if you stop taking your medication you could lose everything. As you see, when you don’t take the pill your behavior bothers other people. It’s not worth it!
“Don’t sacrifice your entire life for short-term pleasure and enjoyment!
“Also, you should know that once you’ve acquired these basic life skills, in some years’ time you’ll likely be able to stop taking medication (with a doctor’s approval).
“Above all, keep in mind that all this is ultimately for your benefit!”
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I hope that b’ezras Hashem your son will accept your words and continue succeeding in all areas!
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