Why does my life have to be so hard???‏‏

Q: I begin with my thanks for the remarkable answers and advice every month, and I want to ask about something that’s been bothering me for years:

Since I was a young child, and really, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always dreamed of a quiet, smooth life. But unfortunately, things in my life never ran as smoothly as I hoped—not chinuch, not parnassah, and not even shalom bayis. I want to know why there is so much hardship in life, and why can’t my life be easier?

There are days when I feel that my life is falling apart at the seams. There’s never enough money, which causes extra friction at home. I argue more and more frequently with my wife, which I know is disastrous for the kids’ chinuch and only launches a vicious cycle of needing more and more money to cover tutors and therapists, etc.

I’m begging for help. What can I do to improve my situation at home and make life smoother and happier?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I feel the pain in your question, and it pains me deeply. To begin, I want you to know that you’re not alone in your pain, and many people share this very difficult, excruciating plight.

However, taking an honest look around the world, we find that many people endure identical challenges and hardships, and who approach it very differently. Take the example of two men confined to wheelchairs. One is constantly crying and complaining about his circumstances, while the other is happy, gratified and thanking Hashem for what he still has. Observing both these men, it’s nearly impossible to believe that they each suffer the same problem!

The difference lies in their outlook. The first person is absorbed in pain and grief, frustrated and angered that the world and his circumstances in life don’t fit neatly into his plans and desires. The second, in contrast, accepts life rather than trying to change it. He adapts himself to his situation and keeps an open mind to see Hashem’s gifts and kindness.

Taking it a step further, we see that hardship doesn’t equal suffering. Hardships equal challenges—and challenges give us an opportunity to succeed, feel satisfaction and joy, and prime us for greater successes in life.

I’ll give several examples that directly relate to your question:

Imagine a young avreich whose parents couldn’t afford to help him rent—let alone buy—an apartment. He has no choice but to search for, find and pay for housing on his own. After several years, he lands a good opportunity and, with tremendous effort, saves up for a downpayment on an apartment. From then, he begins dabbling in real estate, and today earns a comfortable salary.

This man also struggles in his marriage, but refuses to give up. He read books on shalom bayis, consults with Rabbanim and marriage counselors, and improves his shalom bayis beyond imagination to the point that, today, he serves as a mentor to others.

Taking this even one step further, we find that changing our perspective can improve our lives in another vital realm too, and that’s interpersonal relationships. It’s no secret that people like happy, positive people; they admire those who stand tall against life’s challenges and choose to fight rather than submit. When someone exudes positivity and good interpersonal skills, it’s easier to get a job; authority in the home is reinforced; and shalom bayis naturally improves by leaps and bounds.

The source of all this is found in the Torah, in the pesukim describing the cause of hardship in man’s life: “B’zeias apecha tochal lechem…B’etzev teldi banim… With the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread…In pain, you shall bear children.”

The Ha’emek Davar and Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch expound that these pesukim were not punishments but changes imbued into creation in order to benefit man, since this is the way that humanity will benefit most from the world after the cheit.

Changing one’s perspective can be a lifelong challenge and is not simple at all. On the contrary, it requires concerted efforts in thoughts, words and actions, and often requires the help and support of a friend, mentor and/or professional. But regardless, it’s guaranteed to pay off!

Wishing you tremendous hatzlachah!