Q: I am a father of a large brood, baruch Hashem, which are growing up at a dizzying rate. My parents were divorced when I was a young child, and I was raised by my mother in a single-parent home. Now that my children are growing up, I’m wondering what my role is in teaching them about the mitzvah of tefillah. Since I never had a father in shul, I don’t have a role model to emulate; but looking around, I see a broad range of approaches. There are fathers who expect their children to stand and daven beside them, and fathers who allow their kids to play outside during davening with the attitude that they’ll join them in shul when they’re old enough… What does the Rav say regarding how much a father can ask his child to stand beside him during davening and daven from a siddur?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: First of all, I commend you on your obvious aspirations to educate your children to Torah and tefillah, and bentch you that you should succeed and see much nachas from your children!
In response to your question, the two scenarios that you portrayed are ideal since they present the two extremes. There are children who find it easy to sit nicely during daven for two hours straight and daven from a siddur, who enjoy following along with the chazzan and baal koreh, and who value the time spent with their father. Others have less tolerance for the two hour davening and are much happier playing outside. I will emphasize from the start that both are completely fine. The mitzvah of davening at a young age draws from the obligation of chinuch only, and it need not encompass a full two-hour davening in shul.
The decision you make now regarding how much you expect your child to participate in davening in shul must correspond with his personality. Yet the more important, long-term question that I would like to address here in this forum is how we can educate our children to connect to tefillah and daven properly once they are older.
The first thing I will do is utterly discount the method that highlights discipline as the foremost means of teaching a child to daven. A father who keeps an eagle eye on his child during davening and hushes him sternly anytime he makes a peep is not teaching his son to love or appreciate tefillah. In fact, such conduct only fosters resentment toward tefillah, and as soon as the father turns away, the child will scamper outside to join his friends. Worse yet, if there is ever a time when his father is not there to observe him, he’ll have no reason to daven at all. A child like this does not know how to daven, only to satisfy his father.
A child can’t be threatened into davening, nor should he be taught to daven during davening. I often say that “teaching a kid to daven only during davening is like teaching him after davening ended.” Teaching a child to daven is a multistage process that starts before a child is even old enough to go to shul. It means talking at home about the importance of tefillah, about how Hashem loves the tefillos of young children, and how the malachei hashares themselves descend to hear their tefillos… Davening in shul can also be positively reinforced with prizes or treats, and what begins ‘lo lishmah’ will eventually become ‘lishmah.’ During davening itself, a father can offer several hints or reminders, but it is not the place where primary instruction occurs.
Another important element of teaching a child to daven occurs after davening has ended, on the way home from shul or during the seudah. Compliment your son on the time that he spent davening, on his efforts to concentrate and follow along with the chazzan and baal koreh, and reinforce how these actions connect him to Hashem.
Obviously, the lessons that you relay to your child must be age appropriate. You can’t expect your 10-year-old to learn the Mabit’s sefer on tefillah… Likewise, your expectations of him must also be suitable for his age. An average 7-year-old can sit comfortably for about a quarter of an hour before he feels restless, and a child who is more active can’t even sit that long.
How can you know what’s right for your child? You know. I’m a firm believer that parents know their children best, and they can intuit what is right for their child. The key challenge is neutralizing the need to “be like everyone else.”
Finally, lessons on tefillah should not be relayed via direct instruction, but through natural dialogue and—most of all—by example. The most important messages of all are the gift of tefillah, the connection that we build with Hashem through our tefillos, and the joy that accompanies it.
Wishing you much hatzlachah, and may Hashem accept all of Klal Yisrael’s tefillos with love!
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