Q: I’ve been davening for years with a Vasikin minyan. The davening, especially during the Yomim Nora’im, is beautiful, slow and authentic, and the minyan is comprised of a group of serious mispallelim. My children, however, prefer the local neighborhood minyan that starts later, is shorter, and is more ‘their style.’
Should I insist that my children daven with me, or is it best if everyone davens where he feels is the right place for him?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Your question is both interesting and important! Let’s begin by discussing the possibilities and what each one translates into from a chinuch perspective:
Learning to daven properly, which is an integral aspect of absorbing family tradition and values, is primarily based on a child’s early impressions and childhood experiences together with his or her parent. As the saying goes, ‘maaseh avos, siman labanim—the fathers’ actions become a symbol for the children.’ Therefore, sending a child to shul to daven alone is certainly the lesser recommended option. If the child is young, then there is the added problem of a lack of supervision during a lengthy Yomim Nora’im davening.
The above are both reasons why I would reject the second alternative for a young child—unless there is really no other option. (The problem may be partially solved if the child can go to shul with his grandfather, which is the ideal option for any situation in which a father is not present.)
Let’s examine the other two aspects now:
As a rule, there is really no reason why a father should compromise on his spiritual values because of a child’s laziness. There is also an added chinuch value of a child accepting the mechanech’s authority, as opposed to the mechanech forcing his will upon the child. On the other hand, not every child is capable of enduring a long, intense tefillah, and obviously, coercion will only distance a child from a value as opposed to connecting him to it.
This is why, notwithstanding the above, I do recommend a little flexibility. Perhaps you can let your younger children take short breaks, or bring sweets or toys that will help them manage the time during the lengthy tefillah—while ensuring that they are in shul and davening during the central and emotional parts of davening. I am certain that, over the years, watching you and those around you daven with kavanah will influence them positively, and that they will want to daven more on their own. Most of the time, the long and beautiful tefillos of Yomim Nora’im become a part of a child, to the point that, eventually, he would never dream of davening elsewhere!
The above is all assuming that the shul is an appropriate setting for young children, and the shul is located at a reasonable distance from home. In the event that this is not the case, I believe that there would be no choice but to compromise and daven in a shul that is more suitable for children.
Proof of this is evident from the mitzvah of hakhel, when Klal Yisrael were commanded to bring all children with them, even if it meant that fathers would be unable to focus on the words read from the Torah. The Kli Yakar illuminates that parents who brought children were rewarded for their actions, and in the zechus of our efforts to be mechanech our ‘gemulei chalav shelo pash’u, young children who did not sin,’ Hakadosh Baruch Hu should have rachmanus on us and send yeshuos and nachas to all of Klal Yisrael!
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