Q: I am a father of 7, ka”h, the eldest of whom just entered yeshivah this year. Recently, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t share anything with us, and that I have virtually no idea what is going on in his life. He was never a big conversationalist, but when he came home every day from cheider, ate supper and we spent time together, I was less concerned. Now, he comes home from yeshivah late every night and usually goes straight to bed; and in the mornings, he’s up and out of the house before I wake up.
In the few minutes that I do see him in the evenings and ask him how his day was or how he’s learning, he responds in mostly monosyllabic answers—“yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘fine.’ It is difficult to gauge how he’s really doing, if he’s happy and how he feels about yeshivah. It’s also hard to pull any further information out of him, and I get the impression that he’d rather avoid conversation altogether.
With every day that passes, I’m growing more and more concerned about my son, and I’m writing to you with the hope that you can help me solve this problem and better understand my son.
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: From your question, it’s unclear exactly what’s distressing you: If your concern is how your son is faring in yeshivah, you can appeal to other sources for information—the yeshivah faculty, his maggid shiur or mashgiach, or even ask around quietly among his friends… If there’s a real problem, you should stumble upon it fairly quickly.
I’m presuming that what really concerns you is why your son isn’t opening up to you, and here the question is where the lapse in communication lies—with you or with him? Are you concerned if and how he will develop social relationships, let alone a future marital relationship if he can’t communicate openly or deeply?
For starters, you can rest assured that your son’s behavior is certainly in the range of normal. During adolescence children detach from their parents, mold and develop their own characters, values and beliefs, and this period is often characterized by weakened communication with parents. Im yirtzeh Hashem, when they’re a little older, more mature and confident, they reopen healthy lines of communication.
It’s advisable to communicate to your child that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to share too much. You would love to know what’s going on in his life and to hear from him, but he’s not under any pressure to confide in you and you respect his privacy.
There are times when the introversion that you’re describing extends to his relationships with his peers, as well. If this is the case, as a parent, you should take the first step to help him open up, as we learn in the Haggadah, “At psach lo.”
Emotional withdrawal results largely from strong emotional sentiments that are stifled by feelings of shame, shyness or reluctance to share with others and difficulty expressing one’s feelings verbally. [It is simple to describe the scene of a car crashing into the bus, but it is much harder to describe the thoughts and feelings that rush through one’s mind at that time.]
We can help our child overcome such inhibitions by modeling sharing and open communication. Doing so will automatically reduce his reservations to share, and your son will simultaneously learn to attach names to his feelings. In this way, he’ll understand and appreciate that feelings—even powerful ones—are neither strange nor embarrassing, but a normal phenomenon among human beings.
Furthermore, instead of barraging him with questions and being disappointed with his curt answers, tell him what’s going on at home and in your life so he’ll still feel part of things. His first year in yeshivah brought many changes into his life, and it is possible that he feels removed from the family, or that he doesn’t belong anymore. Sharing with him pleasant and cheerful anecdotes about the family will cause that feeling to dissipate.
Despite your differences in schedule, make an effort to take him out for a short walk or conversation. It’s easier and more natural if you can do this while you’re running errands or out anyway, so it doesn’t seem ‘planned.’
Family meals, and particularly Shabbos and Yom Tov seudos, are also opportune times for drawing your son into natural conversation. Use your instincts to navigate the discussion to topics that will interest him and enable you to relay messages from your personal experience.
Above all, remember that children crave parental attention—even if it doesn’t look like it. They appreciate and respect us and our opinions, and there is no one who can be a more powerful influence on a child than his parents!
Wishing you boundless hatzlachah and nachas!
Comments