Q: I’m a father of a large family, baruch Hashem, and I do my best to provide for all their needs. I honestly do not feel that they are lacking for anything. The trouble is that my kids feel differently. They complain that our house is ‘heavy’ and ‘boring.’ They claim that we never take trips or do anything fun, and we never have treats at home.
My wife says that the kids feel unloved and resentful because they don’t get all these extras. I feel that it’s wrong to spoil them unnecessarily and cater to their desire for luxuries, but I’m beginning to wonder who’s right and who’s wrong? What do you recommend?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: From your question, it’s clear that you’re unsure of your stance, and I’m impressed by your willingness to be open to another opinion. It is a clear sign that you take your responsibility as a father seriously, and it would behoove many to learn from you!
Now to your question: There’s a famous story of a Rav who was approached by two Yidden for a din Torah. When the plaintiff presented his side of the story, the Rav said, “You’re right.” When the second person rushed to defend himself, the Rav again answered, “You’re right.”
Listening to her husband, the Rebbetzin asked, “But how can two people be right?”
To this, the Rav again repeated: “You’re right too.”
It may come as a surprise to you, but in this case, all of you are right. You’re right that it’s unhealthy to spoil kids and cater to their every whim. Your wife is right that giving extras is a means of demonstrating love. And your children are right that they want to feel loved and treated.
The conflict here isn’t about any single position, but how to ascribe each action. Is giving treats educational? Does it interfere with proper chinuch? Or is it simply a trivial, meaningless act?
When we choose to give something to someone that he or she wants very badly, then the recipient is grateful and feels that we care about him or her and want them to be happy. If we do it out of fear, resentment or extortion, then both sides feel bad, upset or angry, and the chinuch moment is lost.
There are times when kids exploit our fear of being bad parents by expressing “You don’t buy/give me because you don’t love me!”
When they make comments like these, the immediate reply is “I love you always, regardless of what I give you.”
We’re not asking parents to be angels! Parents also have struggles, and they are condoned in using phrases like ‘it’s hard for him,’ ‘it’s hard for us with him now,’ ‘he has a problem.’ All these are legitimate. But whatever you do, please don’t attach a stigma to your child! Don’t condemn him, and don’t shame him, because it could lead to permanent, irreversible damage.
Love can be expressed in personal conversation, compliments, help and genuine interest in their lives. Aside from that, there are also times when we should give ‘extras’ by choice to demonstrate extra love.
How many ‘extras’ does a parent need to give? This is not necessarily a chinuch question, but one that depends on our natural inclinations and financial situation. Obviously, how many extras we give is not an indicator of our relationship with them or how much we love them, but another way of conveying our love. In general, the golden road is always the middle road—without being extreme on either end. On a practical level, I would recommend consulting with other parents of similar socioeconomic situations, hearing what they do and give, and then evaluating how that, or something similar, can work for your family too.
As an aside—but a crucial one!—it’s important to demonstrate trust in a child. If you give him money, he shouldn’t have to provide a full report of what he did with the money and change. Trust him to return the change and ask you want to do with it.
You should have loads of Yiddishe nachas!
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