Q: Dear Rabbi Levy shlit”a,
I wanted to ask you about these days of bein hazmanim. I’m a man of routine, a creature of habit, and honestly, the constant action, lack of schedule and sheer lack of responsibility of bein hazmanim makes me dizzy. The bachurim run from one attraction to the next (which I know is normal for their age), while I serve as the wallet to fund their activities, the “responsible adult” and the worrywart who’s always anxious about what they’re doing and when they’re coming home. I can’t relax until I see them safe at home, but they’re already gone the next morning on another adventure… Tell me, what’s the purpose and goal in all this?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Your question is actually comprised of two parts: The first is your personal challenge with having the kids on vacation, and the second is a theoretical question regarding the purpose and goal of bein hazmanim.
Despite the fact that you posed it second, I want to deal with the theoretical question first, because it will help clarify the second part. Why do we need vacation? Why do children need vacation? The pat answer is that it gives us a chance to recharge our batteries, but where do we store that energy reserve? Is there a special place in our bodies that we can go to when we need extra strength?
If you take a good look around at the world, you’ll notice, fascinatingly, that the concept of vacation, which is essentially a rest from routine and opportunity to release tension, is embedded into the very briah. Even inanimate creations, like the earth itself, need rest. Bava Basra 29a teaches that the earth requires a rest between crops, and Moed Katan 3a reveals the same regarding plants. The Torah further commands us to allow our animals to rest on Shabbos, as written, “So that your ox and donkey shall rest” (Shmos 23:12).
If the earth, plant and animal life all require occasional rests, then surely human beings, who are encumbered with countless responsibilities, challenges and stresses in life, require periodic breaks from routine and a chance to recoup our energies.
In the past, the world was mostly an agricultural society, which naturally allowed for on times and off times. Farming could only be carried out during daylight hours, and the changing seasons automatically created times when the workload was lighter or heavier. In the winter, when the days were short and the ground covered with frost, there was little work to be done in the fields, while in the spring and summer, when the days were long, and it was time to plant, sow and harvest, the physical labor was intense and backbreaking.
In today’s modern world, people work year round, and daytime jobs often stretch into the late night hours. Therefore, it is critical to allow for times to relax and break from routine.
Moving toward the other half of your question, it’s important to distinguish between the vacation needs of an adult and the vacation needs—and dreams—of a child and adolescent.
An adult, who works physically, needs time to rest physically and relax from the heavy burden that he shoulders daily. This is why it’s only natural for him to want to unwind in an easy chair, sleep late and turn off the phone and computer.
A kid, on the other hand, doesn’t need to relax from the physical exertion of constant studying and submitting to the authority of his teachers and Rebbeim. On the contrary, he needs to release all his pent-up energy in stimulating, fun activities.
All this is theory, but how do we resolve these conflicting needs, especially when adults and kids share the same vacation times?
One way is to discuss the issue—either with your older kids or just between you and your spouse. You may conclude that after giving the kids a great summer experience, parents also deserve a short vacation.
Beyond this, it’s vital to explain to kids that there are limits even during vacation, and there is no excuse for destroying anything that we’ve built and attained during the zman during three weeks of bein hazmanim. This means avoiding any activity that doesn’t fully meet our values or is even potentially dangerous. Any trip or hike must be carefully planned, and one can only go when properly attired and equipped with everything one needs, which includes ample water, food, gear, etc. You may be surprised that your kids will appreciate this discussion, and it will also enhance their trip. (There’s nothing fun about hiking in a torn Croc or when parched from thirst…)
You can also invite them to enjoy an occasional “day off” that matches the kind of vacation that you have in mind. They might discover that they enjoy it too, especially when you’re enjoying it together as a family.
Above all, bein hazmanim fun has to be with the mindset that Chodesh Elul is right around the corner. Vacation is a break from routine, not from Yiddishkeit!
Wishing everyone a happy, healthy summer vacation, and to all you courageous Tatties and Mommies who are working hard to keep your cool and give your kids a great vacation—kol hakavod, and keep it up. There’s an end in sight!
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