Q: I’m a mother to 7 adorable children, and after one of my kids tested positive for Covid-19, we’ve spent the whole last week in quarantine, and we’ve got at least another week to go.
Over the last few days, some of my kids’ friends have come to visit, bringing assorted gifts, treats and care packages, standing at a safe distance and chatting eagerly, but two of my kids received no visitors or even phone calls. I see how much this bothers them; I can sense their envy and hurt, and I wish I could make them feel better. What can I do to help?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I can hear your own pain etched between the lines of your question, so I’ll begin by saying that there is nothing more hurtful for a parent than seeing his own child in pain.
Your question can be divided into two:
First, how can you make your child feel better right now and prevent him from feeling hurt and abandoned by his friends? Second, and perhaps more significant, how can you help your child feel more accepted among his friends in the long run?
To resolve the first question, which regards the here and now, I suggest that you make discreet arrangements for a friend or cousin to stop by with a gift or package and to visit from afar. You can also make your child feel good at home by asking him to do something that he does well and praising him for it. For example, if your child is a good baker or artistic, then you can ask him to make something special for the family or do a project with the younger children and then praise him effusively. Your genuine praise, compliments and appreciation of his efforts will likely melt away the vestiges of hurt and loneliness that he feels.
The more pressing question though is how to help your child advance and succeed socially?
Let’s preface the answer with a fundamental point that’s relevant both to chinuch and life itself:
We must differentiate between the things that we can change through instruction, role modeling and teaching positive habits and behaviors, and elemental facets of our child’s character that we can never change such as his nature, talents, skills, and emotional strengths. When a chinuch issue regards or results from one of the above, as parents we must exercise extreme caution to avoid comparing our children while recognizing and appreciating that every child is gifted with unique attributes and strengths that are unlike anyone else’s. We must further express our appreciation and admiration of his distinct character instead of trying or even wanting to change it, and certainly never attempt to force him to behave or take action that goes against his nature.
Therefore, when dealing with a child who is less sociable than others, we’ll often discover that the child actually has fewer social needs and less desire to integrate socially. Instead of endeavoring to change him, we should accept him for who he is and learn to appreciate and express our appreciation of his positive attributes and low-key personality. Interestingly, children who are less social are also less likely to hurt other people, and their quieter natures often allow them to achieve academically and emotionally.
On the other hand, we can still attempt to model positive behavior and imbue good social habits that furnish our child with positive social experiences and smooth the road now and later as an adult. Yet, this should only be done without pressure and while making it clear to our child that we do not expect him to do things that are beyond his capacity.
For example, parents can both model and encourage their children to give each other meaningful birthday gifts or special treats before a test, etc., and attach a note that expresses your love. These acts of giving and receiving unlock emotional doors and empower the child, enabling him to discover new ways of forging emotional connections that he desires.
The more he gives and receives from others, the more he’ll discover that giving fosters deep connection, and expressing sincere emotions and feelings make others happy.
Ultimately, these lessons will be absorbed by everyone in the family, and you’ll reap all the benefits of a united, happy household!
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