Dear Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a,
I assume that this question has been asked many times in the past, but I’d be very grateful if you would please share some tips about how to prepare myself and my family for Succos and the week of bein hazemanim, when the whole family is together. What can I do to foster a positive environment and ensure that we get through these weeks happily, peacefully and without pointless bickering?
Thank you!
--An Avreich from Beit Shemesh
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: You’re asking an important question that has many answers. There are many things you can do to cultivate a positive atmosphere at home, and obviously due to space constraints, I can’t begin to list even a fraction of them.
Therefore, I would like to focus on one idea, one positive kabbalah that you can implement in all realms of life and that is particularly apropos for this time of year when we’re all seeking to improve our actions and middos.
It may come as a surprise that the middah I want to highlight is that of shtikah—remaining silent, which is a middah that Chazal commend on numerous occasions, such as “If a word is worth a coin, then silence is worth two” (Megillah 18a).
Let’s explore some of the advantages and benefits of shtikah.
Chazal teach in maseches Avos (1:17): “Shimon his son said, ‘All my days I grew up among the sages, and I found nothing better for the body than silence; and the essential thing is not study, but deed; and one who speaks excessively brings on sin.’”
In the first half of this mishnah, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel commends the tool of listening in learning and attaining wisdom, which is something that we can see for ourselves. A bachur who is focused on formulating his own kushya or chiddush can’t concentrate properly on what his maggid shiur is saying, whereas one who truly listens with an open mind can absorb, comprehend and internalize what he has learned, and the notes that he takes on the shiur will be much more accurate. (Obviously, it’s important to add that silence does not always equal listening, but silence is still a prerequisite to listening and absorbing what another person is saying.)
We see just how important nonjudgmental listening is in chinuch habanim, as well, and the benefits we draw from taking the time and energy to truly listen to our children. When we listen to our children, we understand them better, understand their needs better, and are able to help them. Moreover, when we demonstrate active listening, our children learn this skill and more inclined to listen to us and internalize our messages to them, as well.
It’s also important to initiate conversation with our children in which we play the role of listener, as opposed to only listening to them when they come to seek us out. We need to show our children that what they say is important and interests us, as there is nothing more conducive to building positive communication and a strong relationship with our children than listening to them. And of course, the same applies to our relationship with our spouse and to building strong foundations in our marriage and homes.
In the second half of the mishnah, Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel expresses, “Lo hamedrash ha’ikar elah hama’aseh, the essential thing is not study but deed,” which also teaches the ideal means of giving mussar.
The Toldos Yaakov Yosef (Parshas Kedoshim) exhorts, “He should rectify himself first, and then with just a few words, the nation’s sins will case, because his words will be heard.” This same principle applies to chinuch: The best way to teach and reproach a child is, first of all, to model proper behavior, and then to avoid criticism and select our words carefully
.
But even before all this, people should do their utmost to ignore things and let them slide. Instead of noticing and highlighting other people’s failings, whether it is your spouse or child, look the other way. Don’t constantly seek to correct or improve others. Don’t complain about others or about the problems in the world...Stay focused on the positive and keep silent, because it’s so much easier, and much more pleasant to live like that. When you look the other way and swallow your negative comments, it becomes easier to tolerate others. You contribute to a positive environment, and you make it pleasant for others to be in your environment too.
Rabbi Shimon concludes with the message of “Kol hamarbeh devarim meivi cheit, one who speaks excessively brings on sin.” What emerges from this is that someone who accustoms himself to being silent protects himself from a range of aveiros—lashon hara, leitzanus, flattery, falsehood, talking during davening and many others. When two people argue, the fight continues to escalate, causing damage and hurt feelings; but when one side summons the courage to remain silent, the fight peters out on its own, because it always takes two to fight.
It’s impossible to overemphasize the impact of shtikah at home and its importance to cultivating a positive, uplifting, welcoming environment at home!
Wishing you a shanah tovah u’mesukah, nachas and kol tuv!
Comments