Teaching Derech Eretz

Q: Dear Rav Levy, Shalom u’vrachah. I’m reaching out to you because we’re navigating a tender area with some of our children, who've been described as having “communication difficulties”.  Simply put, they sorely lack tact and social graces, to the extent that they will, without even noticing, criticize guests to their faces. Obviously, as parents, this puts us in very awkward situations.

Unfortunately, their difficulties are not limited to home and affect them in school, as well.  Their teachers complain that they don’t get along with their classmates. Yet the bigger issue is that they don’t comprehend the difference between the way they are meant to address their peers and their principal, teachers or anyone in a position of authority.

As a parent, my heart breaks. When I point out their blunders, they feel hurt and criticized, and it’s essentially pointless because they still don’t get it. On the other hand, I can’t look away and say nothing, because what kind of future will they have? How will they navigate any healthy relationship?  Im yirtzeh Hashem, they're going to want to build their own families someday, and I'm concerned about shidduchim and their future marriages.

What can we do? What steps can we take to gently guide them to acquire tact and sensitivity to others?

Rav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Dear Father, I’m very moved by your letter. It's clear that you see the situation honestly and have a sincere desire to help your children surmount their challenges and succeed without hurting them in the process.

First off, I want to offer some encouragement. I know many wonderful people who, even with similar communication difficulties, have gone on to build beautiful, strong marriages with understanding spouses. Remember that with siyata d'Shmaya and your tefillos, there’s hope even if things do not change the way you would like them to. Simultaneously, bear in mind all the wonderful qualities that your children do possess –honesty, straightforwardness, and I’m guessing that they may have a knack for clear, analytical thinking. Im yirtzeh Hashem, they will definitely shine in certain areas of study and in their future places of employment.

On the other hand, I understand that you must have many frustrating moments. There must be times when you feel like exploding when they act or react in ways that are socially unacceptable. You must wonder how they still fail to understand what’s so natural and obvious to others, especially after you've already explained it to them so many times.

We can deduce from this that logical explanations is not the ideal route of teaching children who experience the world in this way. It's like trying to describe a spectacular sunset to someone who is blind – he can’t even imagine what's so clear to us.

What can you do to help? Many children with these differences thrive with clear directions and rules that help them make sense of the world around them. The problem is that it seems that they need a specific rule for everything! As a parent, you might wonder if it will ever end and why they don’t just get it?"

Despite the frustration, this consistent, step-by-step approach really can make a difference. You may need to offer explicit guidance in dozens or even hundreds (!) of situations, but eventually, the message will hopefully sink in.  I won’t deny that repeated instructions are frustrating for everyone involved, which is why I also advise you to reach out to coaches who specialize in these communication styles. They may be able to offer you strategies that will make it easier and more effective for everyone.

Over time, with consistent guidance and clear rules for different situations, something will click and, im yirtzeh Hashem, your children will develop a better sense of social cues. Some differences may remain, and you might not achieve the perfection you dream of, but things will definitely become more natural and comfortable.

Hatzlachah rabba and much nachas!