Dear Rav Dovid Levy shlit”a,
Q: I wanted to ask the Rav about the repeated arguments and disagreements that my wife and I have about chinuch issues. In general, there are many issues that we don’t see eye to eye about, but when it comes to chinuch, I’m aware that it’s a much bigger problem that can impact the kids. What can I do to minimize our disagreements about issues that we both feel strongly about?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Dear Friend, Your question didn’t touch the root of your conflict, so it’s difficult for me to give pointed advice. However from experience, I can tell you that disagreements between spouses are natural and completely normal. A marriage brings together two mature adults with distinct characters, natures, opinions and temperaments. Both come from different homes and were educated in separate moosdos, so it’s no wonder that they regard issues and life itself from two different perspectives, which often causes expectations and desires to collide. The real question is not if there is disagreement or conflict, but how to cope with the natural gap that exists between us, bridge differences and settle the disagreement.
This takes us right back to your question: How can you minimize and end an argument? One option (although not necessarily recommended!) is to stand firm on your opinion until the other side gives in. Option number two is for you to give in at some point, or perhaps simply accept the other side’s position unilaterally and avoid conflict altogether.
I’m assuming you can guess what I’m about to say now: Yes, it depends on the situation.
Let’s present two typical day-to-day scenarios:
Conflict #1: Tatty comes home and finds Mommy struggling to coax bites of schnitzel into the mouth of their six-year-old who’s sworn off chicken. Tatty shakes his head and repeats what he tells her night after night. “Chani, let it go. Don’t worry. He won’t starve to death.”
This is an example of a completely superfluous argument. Mommy is at home dealing with the kid day in and day out. Why should she accept Tatty’s opinion during the twenty minutes that he’s home and the children are still up? Why is that fair? And why does Tatty think that his opinion counts any more than Mommy’s anyway? Mommy knows the kids much better than Tatty does, just by virtue of the fact that she’s around and attending to their needs 24/7. Even if Tatty’s opinion has merit, it’s fairly useless in this case and will do more damage than good, so he’s better off keeping it to himself.
Conflict #2: Abba insists that his boys follow the family tradition by wearing the same levush and attending the same mosdos that he attended, while Imma prefers a different style of clothing and school.
Here, there is definitely reason to account for Abba’s opinion while evaluating precisely what is bothering Imma. In this case, Chazal teach “Isha kesheira osa ratzon baala, a righteous woman performs the will of her husband.” This is daas Torah, and by the wife accepting her husband’s desires and values, she will increase shalom bayis in her home. [In such a case, approaching a responsible third party is also an option, although rarely recommended.]
There are countless other possible arguments that draw from differences in character and middos, with some of the classic examples being thrift vs. generosity or organized vs. creative and messy.
When it comes to differences that stem from opposites, the first thing to do is acknowledge the legitimacy, and moreover, the positive attributes of the other person. Afterward, be considerate of one another and try distinguishing between values and issues that are essential to your spouse and those that are less important, and then do the same for yourself. Over time, you’ll discover that this approach will have an excellent impact on your relationship, and that it will be easier for the two of you to come to a meeting point.
With all that said, I want to present you with a rule of thumb that pertains to all chinuch issues, and especially to those times when parents disagree about a particular chinuch issue:
Better to have one answer, even if it’s imperfect, than to have two conflicting opinions with only one consisting of absolute truth.
The confusion that children feel upon being privy to their parents’ disagreements, and the spiritual and educational damage that it has on them is ten times worse than the argument itself! As soon as you see that your argument won’t penetrate your spouse or effect a change in his behavior, then it’s time to rework your opinion to follow the other person. There are even those who claim that this is alluded to in the worlds of Rabbi Yehuda regarding the ben sorrer u’moreh whose parents must resemble each other physically and speak to him in a single voice – with one direction and opinion, because this is the only way that chinuch is truly effective.
May Hashem grant you shalom in your home and bring shalom to the hearts and homes of every Yid!
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