Seder Night with the Whole Family

Dear Pele Yoetz,

My childhood and early married life are sprinkled with beautiful, fond memories of uplifting, joyous Pesach sedarim spent in the warm embrace of my parents and grandparents. This is the first year that I’ll be making my own seder, and I wanted to ask for some guidance and tips as to how I can make the experience beautiful and memorable for my children like the sedarim I recall from my own childhood.

Thank you for this wonderful, inspiring column!

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies:  I can’t emphasize enough how important your question is—for yourself and your children!

The seder is a very special, monumental occasion. I would go so far as to say that it is a fundamental experience that shapes the lives of our children. The Tur (Orach Chaim Ch. 417) states that Pesach is symbolic of Avraham Avinu, and perhaps one reason for this is that, at the seder, we perpetuate the legacy of Avraham Avinu whom the Torah describes as “Ki yedativ lemaan asher yetzave hes banav v’es beiso acharav, for I have known him as he commands his sons and his household after him.”  The primary mitzvah of the seder is sippur yetzias Mitzrayim, retelling the story of the exodus, which is also carried out through the mitzvos of eating matzah and marror, as we recite in the Haggadah, “at the hour when matzah and marror are placed before you”. Therefore, it is very important to prepare appropriately for this mitzvah, at least as much as we prepare for the other mitzvos that we will fulfill during the course of this special night.

We should start with preparing the messages that we wish to convey to ourselves and our children on this night, and then, plan how to best present these messages to others at the table.

The following is a list of several significant messages that you can emphasize:

 Hashem choosing Am Yisrael as the Am Segulah. The entire world witnessed this miracle at the hour of yetzias Mitzrayim, as we learn from the passuk, “Hanisa Elokim lavo lakachas Lo goy mikerev goy…kechol asher asa lachem Hashem Elokeichem l’einecha. Has Hashem performed miracles to come and take for Him a nation from the midst of a[nother] nation…as all that Hashem your G-d did for you in Egypt before your eyes??” (Devarim 4:34).

Klal Yisrael’s kabbalas ol Malchus Shamayim. This is expressed in the passuk, “Ko amar Hashem, zacharti lach chessed neurayich ahavas kelulosayich, lechtech Acharai bamidbar b’eretz lo zeruah. So said Hashem, ‘I recall for you the lovingkindness of your youth, the love of your matrimony, your following Me in the Wilderness in a barren land” (Yirmiyahu 2:2).

Reward, punishment and hashgachah. This is evident from the makkos in Mitzrayim and the miracles on the Yam Suf and in the Midbar.

Emunah and bitachon in the geulah.  We learn this from the passuk, “Pakod pakadeti eschem, I have surely remembered you” (Shmos 3:16).

Creation and Hashem’s sovereignty upon the universe. The Malbim (Shmos 7:14) describes that the makkos were divided into three stages and Makkas Bechoros. The first nine makkos were not intended to free Bnei Yisrael from Egyptian bondage, since Hashem had hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not send them, but to proclaim to the world that there is a G-d Who watches over and guides every aspect of the universe and life, and that He is Omnipotent and there is none like Him.

דצ"ך  teaches us to discover the existence of Hashem, as written, “Bezos teidah ki Ani Hashem, with this you shall know that I am Hashem”. עד"ש  teaches to clarify that Hashem oversees and runs the entire world, as written during Makkas Arov, “Lemaan teidah ki Ani Hashem b’kerev ha’aretz, so you shall know that I am Hashem in the midst of the land.בא"ח  teaches that Hashem is Omnipotent and there is none like Him, as written during Makkas Barad, “Ba’avur teidah ki ein Kamoni bechol ha’aretz, so you shall know that there is none like Me in all of the land.” Once this was clear to the Egyptians, Hashem sent Makkas Bechoros in order to force Pharaoh to send the nation free.

The Haggadah itself presents excellent guidance regarding the methods, techniques and style that you can use to relay these messages. The Baal Hahaggadah instructs us to modify our words and tone in order to suit all four sons—the chacham, rasha, tam and she’eino yodeah lishol, each one of whom receives an answer and description that corresponds to his respective question and needs. The same can be applied to our own children, based on their ages and learning capacity.

We start with self-preparation, by priming ourselves for this momentous day. Chazal teach, “Chayav adam liros es atzom ke’ilu hu yatzah miMitzrayim, a man is obligated to see himself as if he left Mitzrayim!” We should encourage every child to prepare something to say at the seder, so they can all be active participants, and we should invest both into the singing and the food. I recommend relating the general story of yetzias Mitzrayim in the beginning, while the younger ones are still paying attention, and then prepare vorts on the Haggadah with meaningful messages that the older children will understand, appreciate and carry with them. Also, make sure to listen attentively to the vorts that your children and guests have prepared.  Another tip is to complete all technical arrangements before the actual night of the seder, in order to save precious time.

I also want to focus briefly on the aspect of your question that related to the uplifting experience that you recall from your childhood, because it’s vital. Many of us still revel in the memory of Zaidy’s shining face and pristine white kittel, the excitement of drinking the arba kosos and anticipation leading up to reciting ‘Ma nishtana’, eating matzah and marror, and the happy, high-spirited singing of “Vehi she’amda,” “Dayeinu,” “Echad mi yodea” and even the animal sounds during “Chad gadya”… Follow the family rituals that you saw and enjoyed in your youth. Let your children experience the joy that you remember.

In truth, what makes the seder special is not just what we do, but as the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh writes (Bamidbar 23:22): “Chazal say, ‘In every generation, man is obligated to see himself as if he left Mitzrayim.’ Those who know the pnimiyus of Torah said that every Pesach night, the forces of kedushah separate from the klipah and are added to Bnei Yisrael, and this is the aspect of yetzias Mitzrayim, as it says, ‘Kel motziam miMitzrayim, Hashem takes them out of Mitzrayim.’ Not just during the first exodus alone, but He takes them out each and every year.”