Q. My kids are all very shaken up and unsettled since the terrible tragedy last week in Meron. The little ones have taken to playing ‘levayah’ (!); the older ones have an endless number of technical and philosophical questions; and my eldest, a bachur who was in Meron at the time of the disaster, is uncharacteristically quiet. As a parent, how should I react?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Klal Yisrael is in mourning right now; we are all grieving the sreifah asher saraf Hashem, the loss of 45 of our precious kinderlach, bachurim and avreichim. Men, young and old; talmidei chachamim who possessed deep yiras Shamayim; bachurim and masmidim who appeared destined for greatness; sweet Yiddishe kinderlach who never sinned. In the midst of one of the greatest simchas of the year, Klal Yisrael was dealt an unfathomable blow, and our celebration turned suddenly to grief and melancholy.
The most normal and natural thing in the world right now is that just as we are hurting and shaken, so our children are too. Just as we’re suffering intense feelings of loss, mourning, fear and anguish, so are they. In such times, reactions that we would normally flag as grave, severe or out-of-the-ordinary are entirely normal. Only someone who is completely emotionless wouldn’t feel, so at this point in time, there is no cause for concern yet.
That said, as parents, we should still do our utmost to be there for our children and support them in this time of loss, pain and confusion. One way to do this is by avoiding graphic descriptions and sharing superfluous details or suspicions regarding the tragedy. Right now, it is most unhealthy for them to hear the chilling descriptions of people who were there at the time.
Emotional trauma, not unlike a physical burn, must be stopped immediately due to the inner damage it can wreak on the body... While a surface burn is stopped with cold running water, deep emotional trauma is handled with extensive discussion, encouragement and ceasing all exposure to gory scenes.
It’s essential to calm our children and not to scare them, and the first step to achieving that is to be calm ourselves. Discuss their feelings of pain and come girded with emunah. Emphasize to the children that this is not a normal occurrence, and that, iy”H, we’ll all recover soon.
Regarding your son who either witnessed the tragedy up close or experienced it in some form, it’s vital to encourage him to talk it out. The healthiest thing for him to do now is to unload his emotional burden, reflect upon what happened and convert the feelings in his shattered, scared heart into a story that begins but also ends. If he expresses profound feelings of fright and despair, accept it and don’t argue with him. Broadcast the message that you believe in him, that you’re there for him, and that it’s completely normal to have difficult feelings at a time like this.
Try to brainstorm together for emotional tools that will calm him, while explaining that it is completely fine to avoid focusing on the difficult memories and scenes. Sometime, this instinct to escape the all-embracing pain may seem indifferent or even callous. How could we just “forget” and continue on with daily life? How can we enjoy our cake and ice cream when our friends are gone? Of course, we can’t walk away without drawing a personal lesson from what occurred, but it’s okay to relax and carry on.
Chazal teach “lakol zman va’eis, everything has its right time and place.” The first 3 days of mourning are intended for crying, and the full 7 days for eulogies; but then we are not meant to mourn too much. We have mitzvos to fulfill, things that we must do, and we cannot allow the pain to overtake our lives and prevent us from doing what we’re meant to accomplish.
In most cases, an emotionally-sound person will heal over time, and the sharp emotions and reactions will eventually dim. Someone who still feels very strongly about what occurred or is reacting in an unusual way after a reasonable amount of time has passed should have a professional evaluation. On average, I would cautiously say that grief that extends beyond a month is a red light that may be signaling a need for help.
May Hashem grant that we should all see the fulfillment of the passuk, “U’machah Hashem dimah me’al kol panim, and Hashem shall wipe the tear from every face.”
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