Dear Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a,
Unfortunately, my son was not accepted into his first-choice yeshivah, and he is devastated. I am wondering if I should be putting pressure, pulling strings and involving anyone I can think of in order to get him accepted, or if I should just accept that this is bashert and he is meant to learn elsewhere. I would be very grateful for your insights and advice on the matter.
--A distressed father from Ramat Beit Shemesh
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Dear Father,
Your question is very moving, important and applies not only to this particular instance, but to many, many situations and junctures in life. It applies to chinuch, like you just expressed. It will apply to shidduchim, when you are debating if to push a shidduch that seems perfect to you when the other side is less interested. It may apply to medical situations, lo aleinu, when chas veshalom faced with the choice of a very expensive treatment that may or may not be effective. And it may apply to a workplace or investment, to name just a few.
Sometimes, when faced with challenges or dilemmas, we tend to look and find a “sign from Shamayim” regarding the way we are meant to act, but Chazal teach that this is not the way.
The Gemara states: “Rava said and others say that Rav Chisda said: ‘If a person sees that tribulations befall him, he should introspect, as written, “Nachpesa dracheinu venachkora venashuva ad Hashem. Let us search and examine our ways, and let us return to Hashem”. If he searched and didn’t find, he should attribute it to bitul Torah, as written, “Ashrei hagever asher teyasrenu Ka, u’miTorascha selamdeinu. Fortunate is the man whom Hashem afflicts, and from Your Torah, You teach him”. If he attributed it [to bitul Torah] and did not find [that this was the problem], he should know that these are tribulations of love, as written, “Ki es asher ye’ehav Hashem yochiach. For the one whom Hashem loves, He rebukes”’”. (Brachos 5a)
The above indicates that challenges and pain alone do not reveal the reason for our suffering, yet by searching and examining our actions, we can gain understanding of what we are expected to change and rectify.
When life does not go as planned, we should invest our energies and thoughts to decide how we are meant to act and react. Sometimes, we are meant to do hishtadlus in spite of the challenges and hardships involved, as Chazal teach, “Yagata u’matzasa ta’amin.” And other times, the right choice is just to leave well enough alone.
How can we know what’s right?
Ideally, we should consult with an individual who is familiar with the issue and the person/people, involved, but who is not nogeiah badavar and is not emotionally or otherwise attached to it.
Let’s take your specific example: Your son very much wants to be accepted into an elite yeshivah, yet it’s possible that he will not be able to withstand the high-pressure atmosphere and competition that abounds in such a yeshivah, which is why he wasn’t accepted in the first place. On the other hand, his rejection might simply stem from the fact that there are hundreds of applicants vying for the same slots, and without a solid dose of pressure on your part, his chances of getting accepted are next to nil (and this is often the case).
His current Rosh Yeshivah or eighth grade rebbi (depending on whether it’s a yeshivah ketanah or gedolah) might be the one to shed light on this issue and help you come to the proper decision. It’s critical to add that your guiding light should never be which yeshivah looks best on paper, but which yeshivah will truly benefit your child and guide him to achieve his maximal potential. This, in and of itself, may help you determine how much hishtadlus to invest.
At the same time, we must be honest with ourselves about our inclination to accept reality, and reflect if it stems from genuine bitachon in Hashem or is simply laziness disguising itself as emunah.
With best wishes for brachah and hatzlachah to you and your son, and Yiddishe nachas!
Comments