Dear Pele Yoetz,
First, I want to thank you for this wonderful question and answer column that always offers me a fresh perspective along with excellent advice for life!
It’s almost Pesach, and I wanted to ask for tips for getting through these days without the tension that, unfortunately, so often characterizes it and that I know is so damaging to our children’s chinuch.
Thank you and davening for yeshuos!
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Shalom aleichem and a gezunter zimmer! By the time this response appears in print, the pre-Pesach rush, and Pesach itself, will be behind us. But if we take from our experiences this past year and use these words to garner lessons for the future, then iy”H, we’ll come better prepared to Pesach next year, and essentially to any hectic, high-stress period throughout the year…
Your question raised an important point and touches on a very painful situation that exists in many Jewish homes. I once spoke to an elderly Yid who described with frustration, anger and deep wounds—that haven’t faded or healed despite the passage of decades—Erev Pesachs in his parents’ home. He described the tension that began already on Rosh Chodesh Shvat (!), the galus from his home that started the day after Purim, and the actual hunger that he endured for over a month…
On the other hand, if you talk to others, you’ll hear a completely different story. You’ll hear about the fun and freshness of cleaning with music in the background, about an exciting trip to burn the chometz, and about improvised suppers in the backyard…
We all clean and celebrate these sacred days of Pesach, so what’s the difference between these two stories, when all the parents shared the same positive aspirations of bringing in a kosher Pesach? Sometimes, it depends on the kind of home in which the parents were raised, how their parents approached Erev Pesach and the atmosphere that prevailed in their childhood homes. It can also depend on child’s personality, and how he or she regards and approaches challenges. What one child may view as serious adversity, another might approach as a fun challenge.
How does this affect us as parents?
Often, parents feel a sense of guilt during these hectic Erev Yom Tov days, but it’s important to remember that your child’s long face isn’t a direct result of your scandalized shout of despair after he negligently trailed cookie crumbs into the room that you just painstakingly finished cleaning! Of course, we should always do our utmost to be considerate of our children’s feelings, but we’re all human, and we all make mistakes. Our children know this, they understand this, and the difficulty they’re experiencing—whether they feel a little hungry or neglected—is not your fault. As soon as Pesach starts and you begin the seder, life will regain its healthy balance, everything will calm down and return to normal—and hopefully, much better than normal! Everyone will have ample opportunity to celebrate and rejoice together, and your relationship won’t suffer any long term damage.
What is important then?
First and foremost, know your family. And even before knowing your family, make sure you know yourself.
Ultimately, we all make it to Pesach with our houses clean and kosher. The anxious early birds may get there a little earlier, with their houses shined and polished to perfection, while the later, calmer ones get there closer to Yom Tov, perhaps without the top shelves dusted, but in a more relaxed fashion. The bottom line is that everyone does what’s natural and works for them. Those who get tense from the thought of Pesach should start earlier, and those who prefer a regular schedule until the end should start later.
At the same time, it’s important to pay attention to your children’s personalities and needs and, to the extent possible, adapt your behaviors to their needs. If your kids need healthy, nourishing meals to function properly, then seek solutions to make this work. Splurge on takeout, contact an organization that provides cooked meals at low prices, or invest in a one or two-burner hotplate and cook an easy, one-pot meal. There are even people who make a point of finishing their houses early and planning their annual family vacation for several days before Pesach, so they can return a day before bedikas chametz to a kosher-for-Pesach house…
When children are young, it’s hard to expect them to maintain military-style cleanliness in the house. We have to know that, understand them, and learn to enjoy the beauty of a busy, lively household, even if it’s not spic-and-span.
It’s a mistake to think that pressure and a strict regime will make your Pesach a success.
It’s also important to teach our kids—and ourselves!—to be satisfied and actually happy with a grade of 85%... This is not only extremely comforting but also contributes to meaningful learning, and most important, it helps them cope with challenges and hard times throughout life. Moreover, those who are at peace with their 85s often reach the 100s too!
The same applies to us—as parents on Erev Pesach. Aiming for a cleaning that’s “good enough” can be better and more effective, both short-term and long-term, than wringing ourselves and our children out to create the magazine-cover house.
With best wishes for a freilechen un kasher’n Erev Pesach 5774!
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