Dear Rabbi Levy shlit”a,
We have a son who went through a hard time and is somewhat ‘off the derech.’ Obviously, as his parents, this is excruciating for us, but we’re doing the best we can under the circumstances. Following the eitzah of our mechanchim and Rabbanim, we shower our son with love, gifts and positive experiences so he feels loved, accepted, and knows that he’ll always have a place to be.
On the other hand, my husband and I are very upset with each other. Each one of us blames the other for what happened; there is a lot of conflict and anger between us, and I’m feeling terrible about this.
Just recently, I was struck by the vast disparity between these two relationships, and I’m confused and wondering: Why is it like this? Why are we both so patient, understanding and compassionate with our son who is going against everything we stand for; and with each other, when we’re both genuinely doing our best, there’s still so much anger, animosity, and frustration?
--A hurting wife & mother
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Your question is exceedingly painful, and although the circumstances may differ, it is actually relevant to every married couple in all stages of life.
I meet all kinds of people. Sometimes I’m awed by the couples I meet and the power of their marital relationship which gives them strength and optimism to weather all storms in life, progress, and meet challenges with courage, positivity and joy.
Other times, unfortunately, I meet couples who manifest the diametric opposite—emotions like you describe as animosity, fury and resentment that affect all realms of their lives and leave both spouses feeling weakened and despondent.
You’re asking, why this is? Why are we able to handle difficult, challenging children so much better than our ‘average’ spouses? Why is there so much friction when all we long for is a happy, positive relationship that would contribute so much both to our marriage and our children?
The simple answer is that this is human nature, the way of the world. My child is a part of me. I didn’t choose him; he was given to me. And for the most part, people love, understand and are patient with themselves and their failings, albeit with a spouse, it’s different. A spouse is a separate person, not an intrinsic part of me, and thus, I’m quicker to see and judge his or her failings.
How do we resolve this?
The first step is to understand the essence of a marital relationship. Marriage is not a natural or inherent bond like that of a parent to child, but this deficiency is also its greatest power: Marriage is a choice. I chose him, and he chose me; and this is what makes marriage so special, so gratifying, so powerful and empowering.
The first step is acknowledging this choice. The second is reaffirming it constantly through perpetual acts of giving and mutual acceptance, which are the basis of the relationship, friendship and love between spouses. Every compliment, every kind word, every thoughtful gesture is another brick in your home, and every word of forgiveness and concession is the cement that binds it all together.
Once in a while, it may also be recommended to take your habits from one relationship to the next. No matter where he is in life, it won’t hurt your child to know that there is a price to pay for inappropriate conduct, and that sometimes, love is conditional… In contrast, there are times when spouses have to ‘borrow love without any intention of returning it’. For example, if you’re feeling particularly downhearted, think back to all the happy times you shared in the earlier years of marriage or focus on your dreams of a better tomorrow. Often these have the strength to empower and strengthen you to continue giving and forgiving, even when there is currently no positive feedback.
Wishing you nachas and shalom bayis!
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