Q: Baruch Hashem, I’m a mother to 6 wonderful, beautiful kids, ba”h, each special in his or her way. My question regards my second child, an 11-year-old, who’s bright, intelligent and has a great, upbeat personality, but demands a tremendous amount of attention, much more so than my other children. If anything is going on, and he feels even slightly neglected or ignored, he reacts by acting out, and his learning takes a nosedive. I try to give him as much time and attention as I can, but his constant presence and neediness wear me out more than all my other kids put together.
My concerns regard not only the present, but also his future. How will he manage in yeshivah where he’s bound to get far less attention than he’s used to receiving at home? What if this, chas veshalom, causes him to decline spiritually?
How am I supposed to treat him? Should I indulge him with as much time and energy as I can? Should I accustom him to receiving less attention? Or will that only make matters worse?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Your question regards a very significant issue, and im yirtzeh Hashem, I hope to convey the fundamental points despite the limits of this column.
First and foremost, I want to clarify that wanting or craving attention doesn’t point to any character flaw or emotional disturbance, but only an emotional need that is no more or less problematic than a need for extra sleep or food.
And the answer to your question is a definite Yes! Shower him with all the extra attention that you can!
There’s a widespread misconception that it’s wrong to spoil a child with what we perceive as “too much attention,” but this is wrong! Just as we wouldn’t deprive a child of more than what we believe is a normal amount of sleep or food, if he needs it, so we should never deprive a child of attention that he feels he needs, even if we think it’s excessive.
What prompts a parent to avoid giving a child extra attention? Perhaps the fear that he will grow up too dependent? Perhaps the feeling that the child is taking advantage of the parent? Or perhaps just the technical constraint of devoting 100% of one’s time and energies to a single child.
So let’s begin by tackling the second problem, and the way to start is by stating unequivocally that there must be a healthy balance that accounts for both the child’s needs—even when they exceed other children’s needs—and the parents’ needs, as well as their physical and emotional limitations.
It’s also prudent to mention that even if it’s difficult to give so much to a child and servicing his needs, the other option is far worse…
Every person has an innate need for attention, regard and emotional support. When a child feels ignored or disregarded, the natural reaction is to act in ways that attract attention—be it negative behavior, aggression, academic decline or extreme dependency. When all these attempts fail, the child may plummet to despair and lose faith in the adults in his life and in the world, which leads to terrible emotional and spiritual damage in the future.
The golden road is to give the child all the attention that you are able to give him. As he sees that his emotional needs are met, he’ll gain the security that he craves, and you’ll witness a major decline in his needs and demands.
This does not mean that you have to be available for your child 24/7. It is perfectly acceptable to tell a child that you’re busy working or davening or talking to someone else, but he has to know that you’re not intentionally avoiding him or ignoring him, and that you will attend to him when technically possible.
With this approach, im yirtzeh Hashem, both problems will be solved!
May you be zocheh to boundless nachas from all your children!
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