I’m turning to the Rav in desperation. I feel like my world is collapsing. I was laid off after working for many years in one place, and now for the first time in a very long time, I’m without parnassah. I keep getting calls and complaints from the kids’ schools. There’s a terrible leak in the bathroom ceiling which, obviously, we can’t afford to fix, and overall, I’m feeling very low and depressed. I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know how to go on!
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I’m very pained by your words, and I offer my heartfelt brachah that long before this answer appears in print, your problems will all be solved, you’ll have parnassah b’shefa and nachas from your children! Yet in any event, it would surely benefit many readers if we still address the points in your question and see what we can do to eliminate the darkness enveloping you.
From your words, it seems that you feel that life is getting more and more difficult, your problems are unsolvable, and you can’t cope. But let’s stop a moment to differentiate between reality and your emotions which breed your perception of reality.
Take the example of two people who hear a rumor about someone who committed a crime. One man, who is unacquainted with the person in question, believes the story and is infuriated and/or dismayed by the story; while the second person, who knows him well, either categorically denies the rumor or finds a way to explain and justify the action.
Who’s right?
They can both be either right or wrong, but the point is that each one chooses the perspective that fits with his feelings.
This concept can be adopted by a person in regard to himself. Right now, you’ve assumed a current stance of hopelessness; but there is also the external or hindsight perspective of seeing the situation after the fact. Often things are hard while we’re going through them, but ultimately, a solution is found and they work out at the end. How often does it happen that challenges appear to us like formidable mountains, but once we scale them, we realize that it wasn’t such a big deal after all?
Our perspective is largely influenced by our feelings, but the converse applies, as well. If we only seek to change our perspective, our feelings will shift, as well.
Depression or low feelings generate emotions as fear, panic and guilt, which doubly obscure our vision and generate an overall pessimistic, despairing attitude toward life. They can even breed the belief that this is what’s meant to be and we deserve it.
Our job, therefore, is to work on climbing out of this perspective and “borrowing” hindsight from the future. The knowledge that things will ultimately work out will empower you to think logically, brainstorm for workable solutions, maintain yishuv hada’as, and at the very least continue enjoying the wonderful things and gifts that you do have in life.
How do we know that it is, indeed, possible to change our perspective? Maybe it’s beyond the scope of our human capacities?
The Torah teaches us that this is not so. The passuk commands, “Sheshes yamim ta’avod, v’asisa kol melachtecha. For six days you shall work and do all your work.”
Chazal ask, “Is it possible for a person to complete all his work in six days? Rather, he should rest as if all his work is done” (Mechilta DR"Y, Masechta D’Vachodesh 7).
The levayah of the daughter of Harav Pollack shlit”a, mashgiach of Yeshivas Ateres Yisrael, was a particularly tragic—yet memorable—event as it took place only several months after the mashgiach had buried his wife. During the levayah, he conveyed tremendous divrei emunah and gave chizuk to thousands in the Torah world. Beyond his words, however, was the message that a Yid can always rise from tragedy and hardship, adopt a new perspective, and carry on!
Emunah imbues within us tremendous strength to start fresh, believe in the imminent good, and recall that this is what was meant to be.
Yiush, in contrast, leads us to hopelessness and self-destructive behavior.
There are times when it is simply too hard to view our reality from another perspective, which is why we should also seek the counsel and support of a good friend, as Shlomo Hamelech teaches: “Daagah b’lev ish yasichena. Worries in the heart of man; he should speak of them.” A friend may be able to offer a good idea or even come up with a practical solution, but most important, he can help you view things from a new, brighter perspective.
Only with a positive attitude can you start looking for a new job, seek counsel in chinuch, and even find a handyman to fix the leak in your house.
With best wishes for hatzlachah and besuros tovos!
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