Dear Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a,
First and foremost, I want to begin by thanking you for your excellent column and all the wonderful answers that I’ve received to questions that I’ve always had but never asked. Yasher koach!
Now, I wanted to ask you about something that’s been troubling me for years: What’s the secret to social success?
Some people walk into shul, and within minutes, strike up conversation with total strangers. By the end of the week, they’ve established a position, found a job in the shul and are reaching out to others. Other people can daven in the same place for six months or longer and barely get past the stage of acknowledging his fellow mispallelim with a nod. I’m not on either extreme, but I would like tips about how I can develop my social skills and make more friends.
Thank you so much!
A.G., Yerushalayim
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Just by reading the few lines in your letter, I can tell that you’re a friendly person, self-aware, genial and articulate, which leaves me with no doubt that many people can enjoy your company and benefit from your friendship. If you’re asking the question, though, I do believe that you’re missing one small key.
What’s that key?
Unlike your clearly-worded question, I don’t have a sure answer. Some people are simply blessed with chen, a gift that we loosely translate as ‘charm,’ ‘grace’ or ‘charisma,’ and often has no rational explanation. (Two famous examples in the Torah of nesias chen are Bnei Yisrael who formerly found favor in the eyes of their oppressors, the Egyptians, and Esther who found favor in the eyes of all who saw her, in spite of the fact that the Gemara teaches that her skin had a greenish pallor.)
Placing the concept of chen aside, it’s important to understand how social processes work, and how relationships form and develop into friendships.
There are various levels of social connections and relationships, and for this purpose, I’ll divide them into three: Associates, acquaintances and friends.
Associate: By ‘associate,’ I’m referring to a fellow member of the shul, community, chassidus, etc. whom you knows on a surface level and to whom you are connected due to community, circumstance, etc. This mutual sense of belonging is sufficient to draw you close together in a foreign environment. The purpose and benefit of ‘associates’ is to reinforce one’s identity and koach harabbim, which is contingent on shared goals.
Acquaintance: An ‘acquaintance’ is someone with whom you share a pleasant, positive, but non-obliging relationship. People who fall into this category include the fellow members of a shiur or kollel, etc. This relationship requires a bit more effort, such as engaging in light conversation, and its primary benefits are dispelling tension and fostering a general supportive atmosphere.
Friend: A ‘friend’ is someone with whom you share a deep and significant bond, and a chaver tov, a good friend, is truly invaluable. Rabbi Yehoshua describes in the Mishnah: “This is the best trait that a man should acquire,” (Avos 2:10), as the support of a good friend can propel a person to great spiritual heights, whereas the negative influence of a bad friend culminates in disaster. The intense power and influence of a friend draws from the fact that he fills a person’s deep, primal emotional needs of recognition, appreciation and the knowledge that he is needed.
The advantage of identifying and understanding the differences among these three categories of relationships is that it enables you to grasp that friendship and social relationships are developed in stages, beginning with basic association and acknowledgement of one another and culminating with deeper relationships. I want to emphasize that, paradoxical as it may seem, the surface relationship that one shares with one’s associates is also one of the most urgent, basic needs—because it fills a person with identity and a feeling of belonging—which are truly essential qualities!
Building close friendships and developing social relationships means starting on the associate level. Invest into cultivating the seeds of a relationship. Remind yourself that every member of your community is (usually) someone who aspires for and shares goals similar to yours, and that he feels the same level of association to you as you feel toward him. Remember that those in your community are also connected to you. When interacting with them, smile frequently, offer to help, speak respectfully to others, listen to others, and lend your assistance and support to community projects whether physically or financially, depending on your situation. (Here, I also want to remind you never to toot your own horn or call attention to your accomplishments, because jealousy doesn’t invoke any good traits or results… If you do all this, trust me that, b’ezras Hashem, before long, you’ll feel a greater sense of belonging.
From there, you can proceed to Stage 2 and the world of acquaintances. As explained, acquaintances provide support and basic assistance, both materially and spiritually. Here, one of the most precious commodities that a person can receive—and also give—is a smile.
Iggeres D’Rav Nosson teaches: “Greet every person with a pleasant countenance. How? This is to teach that even if a person gave his friends all the wonderful gifts in the world, but his face is downcast, the Torah regards it as if he gave him nothing. However, one who greets his friend with a pleasant countenance, even if he gave him nothing, the Torah regards it as if he gave him all the wonderful gifts in the world.”
To put this into practice, smile and smile some more. Inquire about people’s welfare and act pleasantly. Within short time, you’ll have friends!
You can always stop here, and from your question, it seems that your goal is to feel connected to the members of your kehillah. However, I’d like to take this one step further in order to explain how you can also attain the next level of true friendship. It’s important to recall that you can’t build a friendship with everyone, which is why you must choose friends carefully. As we said, a good friend can bring enormous benefits to a person, while a bad friend can lead one to spiritual downfall.
Chazal in their wisdom teach us “knei lecha chaver, acquire yourself a friend” as opposed to “asei lecha rav, make yourself a rabbi.” These words allude that friendships require a kinyan, an acquisition, which can only be obtained with a certain investment. While “making a rav” only obliges that the person accept the Rav’s authority, “acquiring a friend” compels the other party’s consent and desire, as well.
One should avoid the common mistake that “acquiring” a friend means buying him with physical possessions and bribery, like a small child who tries to make friends by sharing his nosh. One who builds a relationship in this way creates a relationship contingent on hakaras hatov, appreciation, but not of friendship.
The unique quality of friendship, unlike the respect and admiration that a talmid feels to his Rav and the sentiments of giving and benevolence that a Rav feels toward his talmid, is that it’s a two-way street. Friendships are not unilateral.
Based on this, we deduce that the way to acquire a friend is to be a friend. In other words, in order to draw my friendship needs from another, I must offer him the same. We see this process transpiring on a lower level from the prior stages of acquaintances and associates when we smile and inquire about a person’s welfare, and he replies in turn.
Finally, what is the deep emotional need that can only be filled by a friend?
The answer is, the feeling and confidence that someone is interested in you, that someone cares about you and will be there to support you during your best and worst hours. A friend is someone with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings without being judged. True friendship grants you the security that you are appreciated by people whom you appreciate, that you’re important to someone who is important to you, and that you’re needed by the person you need too.
Wishing you boundless hatzlachah!
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