Dear Rav Levy shlit”a,
I want to begin with words of thanks for the Rav’s excellent columns and insightful tips which I always find very beneficial. Yasher koach!
I wanted to ask how, as parents, we should relate to the war in Ukraine and what we should tell our children. There’s a general feeling that the earth is shaking beneath our feet, like we’re on the brink of a third world war, chas veshalom. I’m concerned, and I also see that my kids are very worried, but I don’t know what to tell them. I’m hoping that the Rav can offer advice on this matter.
Thank you. M.A., Modi’in Illit
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I hope and daven that by the time this answer appears in print, the war will have reached its blessed end, peace will be restored to the world, and the question will no longer be relevant—at least in regard to war. However, irrespective of war, we find that a similar question arises on an individual and family level, in other circumstances and situations of instability, such as personal or community tragedies, lo aleinu.
What is fear?
Fear is a natural emotion that develops inside us in the wake of a prior experience. A small child who falls down the steps acquires a sense of fear and knows, from here and on, to avoid steps. Fear can also result from information or feelings instilled within us by parents, mentors or other significant figures in our lives, such as a mother who warns her child to beware of matches and fire.
Hashem imbued us all with the potential for fear in order to protect us from the dangers around us.
There are times when fear balloons inside us and evolves into dread or anxiety, which is a constant state of unrest, or even a phobia which is an uncontrollable, (often groundless) fear of a certain thing. Anxiety and phobias are distinctly unhealthy, harmful and also ineffective, as they do not lead to any positive outcome, although this is not the forum to discuss subject.
As parents, our role is to seek means of reducing our children’s fears, as long as it does not lead them to situations of danger. It is only natural for fears to spring up in times of war or calamity, yet if we help our children identify their fears and master them, they will not remain with them permanently.
Chazal offer several means of mastering our fears: One way is to distract ourselves, avoid mulling over the fear, and engage in constructive activity instead of constantly seeking the latest reports and updates. [It is certainly advisable to keep abreast of major developments, yet this can be limited to once a day.]
It is also recommended to discuss our children’s feelings together with them and convert the confused jumble of emotions and feelings inside them into clearly-defined words. This can be done either verbally or in writing. Once fear is defined and contained in words, it does not swell into a monster and is easier to overcome.
There is also a positive function to fear, and this is straightening the crooked paths in a person’s heart and inspiring him to teshuvah. Fear can lead a person to identify his failings, repent and acquire yiras Shamayim.
On a practical level, a certain fear of world war is natural. Yet we must accept that after doing our physical hishtadlus (which in our case, there isn’t much to do) and spiritual hishtadlus (including reciting Tehillim for those in danger, accepting kabbalos, and improving our ways), all we can do is relieve the fear so it doesn’t inflate into anxiety and terror. Relieving our fears can be accomplished by reducing the time we spend keeping abreast of the news, occupying ourselves with constructive activity, and discussing emotions.
As a parent, you can accomplish the latter two in a single, soothing hour spent conversing with your children—and you’re likely to discover that you’ll feel calmer too! Talk about emunah, hashgachah pratis, and the fact that we entrust our neshamos every day into the hands of Hashem Yisborach. Simultaneously, remind your children that, at least for now, we are very far away from war, and iy”H, it will remain that way. Listen to them patiently as they share their feelings, and iy”H, your children—and you—will feel calmer, safer and more secure.
Besuros tovos!
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