Dear Rav Dovid Levy shlit”a
I am a husband and father of a beautiful family ka”h, but our financial situation is very difficult. We live very simply, and still hardly make ends meet. In contrast, my siblings are all quite wealthy and live very comfortably. The men buy new cars regularly; the women are always dressed in the latest fashions. They’ve all extended and renovated their homes, travel abroad frequently for vacation, buy whatever they want, and live much more lavishly than we do.
It’s uncomfortable to admit it, but I’ve been feeling very jealous of my siblings. Whenever we meet, I can’t stop comparing myself to them, and even when I’m on my own, I think about the gap constantly. It hurts me to know that I’m jealous of them, and I genuinely want to overcome this terrible middah. What can I do to get past this?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Your question is a painful one, and also very prevalent, although it is rare for people to be honest enough with themselves to air it publicly. How do we confront kinah and overcome it?
Kinah, jealousy or envy, is one of the fundamental traits in the human psyche—and it can be used for better or for worse. Shlomo Hamelech, wisest of all men, writes in Koheles: “V’ra’isi ani es kol amal, v’es kol kishron hamaaseh, ki hi kinas ish me’reiehu. And I saw all the toil and all the excellence of work, which is a man’s envy of his friend” (4:4). This means that what lies at the root of every action and human advancement is envy!
Chazal also praise this trait when it leads a person to achieve greater heights in Torah and kiyum mitzvos, as written, “Kinas sofrim tarbeh chochmah, the envy of scholars increases knowledge” (Bava Basra 22a). On the other hand, the damage and destruction caused by jealousy cannot be overstated, as written, “Rekav atzamos kinah, jealousy is the rot of the bones” (Mishlei 14:30) and “Hakinah hataavah v’hakavod motzi’in es ha’adam min ha’olam, jealousy and desire and honor take a person out of this world” (Avos 4:21).
Hakadosh Baruch Hu planted the trait of jealousy in every person so he can utilize it in the best possible way. It is a quality deeply ingrained in every man and woman—rich and poor alike, and there is no reason to feel ashamed for possessing this middah .
The goal, however, is to learn to channel your envy in the right direction, to mold it into a motivator for advancement and success as opposed to a festering wound that gnaws away at your peace of mind and leads you to anger, resentment and despair .
The dividing line between jealousy, which is the negative version of kinah, and envy, which can be channeled to positive purposes, is appreciation of the good in your life.
People commonly misinterpret the words of Chazal “Eizehu ashir hasameach b’chelko, Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot” to refer to one who may be a pauper but lacks desire or aspirations for wealth, and is therefore content with his lot. The ‘rich man’ to whom Chazal refer is actually someone who is well-to-do and blessed with all his needs, yet unlike other similarly wealthy or even wealthier individuals who are constantly seeking greater material wealth, (a new plane, a private island or to become President of the United States), he genuinely enjoys the wealth and bounty that Hashem bestowed upon him, and he doesn’t seek more.
If we delve deeper into this concept, we can also discover that the wealthy man who possesses riches and bounty can also be…you and me. When we reflect upon the countless gifts that Hashem has granted us, when we appreciate our beautiful children, a good wife, a roof over our heads, good friends and a supportive community, then we can also delight with the portion that Hashem has granted us and feel wealthy!
There’s a famous saying in Hebrew that the word ‘עשיר, rich’ is an acronym for einayim, shinayim, yadayim and raglayim—eyes, teeth, hands and feet… When we have all these gifts, we’re automatically rich!
There was a famous vort told by Rabbi Mordechai Dovid Levine zt”l, author of Darchei David, who hosted a large seudas hoda’ah after undergoing a major medical treatment abroad that spared him the need to amputate his leg. In his speech, he emphasized that while the event was intended to express gratitude to Hashem for saving his leg and regaining his physical health, he should really be expressing gratitude for the healthy leg that was never infected in the first place and never required treatment at all!
Once we’ve reached this point of appreciating what we have instead of focusing on what we lack, we can begin channeling the envy inside to set accessible goals and achieve them, one at a time.
Wishing you boundless siyata diShmaya and joy with all the gifts that Hashem has granted you, and with the hope that you’ll be able to reach the next stage of channeling your envy to achieve greater goals in life!
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