How can I teach my children the importance of hakaras Hatov?

Dear Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a

Shalom u’vrachah!

I want to ask about the ideal means of teaching children to express gratitude. I admit that I’m slightly motivated by my own interests, since no matter what I do for my children, they always seem to take it as a matter of course. How can I teach them the importance of appreciation and hakaras hatov?

Thank you!

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Hakaras hatov, loosely translated as gratitude, is a fundamental value in Yiddishkeit, especially toward one's parents. On the other hand, the Ramban expresses that it’s also a very hard mitzvah to fulfill. There are several reasons for this, including the fact that we are born into this connection. From the day we enter this word, we’re the beneficiaries of an endless cycle of giving and care from our parents, making it seem only natural that they should continue giving to us. This attitude is further deepened by the fact that the parents also relate to their children as caregivers and strive their utmost to do what is best for them.

Delving deeper, we find that, many times, it’s also difficult to express gratitude to strangers. There’s a famous story about one of the renowned builders of the kollel neighborhoods in Yeushalayim who gave every family the key to their apartment along with a small stone.

When asked why he did this, he explained, "I know that when I do a favor for a family and bring them into a new apartment, I’m essentially buying myself new enemies. In a few years, when they see me outside, they might throw stones at me. Therefore, I give them a small stone, so that it won’t hurt too much..."

People dislike feeling being indebted to others. The very first inclination that a child manifests is separation—the urge to choose alone and gain independence. (Even at the age of two, many children begin every sentence with the words “I don’t want…”)

One of our main obligations in this world is to acknowledge and appreciate truth and to annul ourselves a little, and this automatically inspires sentiments of hakaras hatov.

Now, to answer your question about teaching gratitude and imbuing children with hakaras hatov, I’ll offer several ideas:

The Gemara teaches: "There are three partners in a person: Hakadosh Baruch Hu, his father, and his mother” (Kiddushin 30b). When a person honors his father and mother, Hashem says, 'I consider it as if I dwelled among them, and they honored Me.'"

How can we understand this Chazal? Moreover, if children honor their parents, why are the parents credited with honoring Hashem?    

The Maharsha explains: The word beineihem contains the letters yud and hey, as Hashem’s Name unites husband and wife, as written in Sotah (17a).

This clarifies Chazal’s famous statement of “[If they are] meritorious, the Shechinah dwells among them.”  The ultimate means of attaining shalom bayis and ensuring that the Shechinah dwells in our home is gratitude. The secret of friendship and marital harmony is the recognition that I need you and I appreciate and value you, and that this feeling is mutual.  When children see their parents modeling these sentiments, they learn to honor them, as well.

Connecting this topic to inyanei d’yoma, the Gemara recounts in regard to the mitzvah of mishloach manos: “Abaye bar Avin and Rabbi Chanina bar Avin exchanged their meals with each other” (Megillah 7a).  Both of these Tannaim were destitute and did not have sufficient food to send to others. Therefore they sent their meals to each other, so they could simultaneously fulfill the mitzvos of mishloach manos and mishteh v’simchah.

Why did they do this? What was the purpose in exchanging meals? The foundation of the mitzvah of mishloach manos is the recognition that we cannot live alone in this world. By sending a gift to a fellow Yid, we acknowledge the goodness in him and strive to benefit him.  The Megillah itself describes the varying levels of human connection: "And these days are remembered and observed in every generation, family after family, province after province, and city after city" as these connections and relationships are one of our true sources of joy on Purim.

Wishing you a freilechen Purim and a sach Yiddishe nachas!