Q: How can I get my children to listen and be more obedient? When I tell them to go to sleep, pick up the toys, clean up the messy kitchen, or do their homework, they’ll ignore me more often than not and keep doing what they’re doing, as if it’s not their father addressing them. How can I get them to be more compliant and listen more?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy responds: Reading your question, it seems that you’re pretty clear on how you want your parental authority to express itself in your home. You want to be an authoritative figure in the house; you want your children to be obedient; and it hurts you that your home doesn’t fit the picture you’ve created in your mind. I’m wondering what this picture is based on.
It’s possible that the picture in your mind is based on what you see—externally—in other people’s houses. It’s also possible that you’re basing it on your childhood home and your interactions with your own parents—as you remember them. (If you ask your parents, I guarantee that you’ll be very surprised to hear that you weren’t as obedient as you remember…) The common denominator between both of the above is that you can’t draw lessons or parallels from either one.
It might surprise you to hear that your children are compliant. They go to sleep every night, albeit not necessarily the first time you tell them; and they do it with a desire to please you and because they trust and love you.
We often tend to think that compliance means that we say ‘jump!’ and they ask ‘how high’—instantly, absolutely, without question, and without accounting for the other person’s thoughts and needs. But this is a mistake. Compliance occurs primarily in the heart in the knowledge that ‘I am not doing what I want, but what I’m told to do, because I believe that it is the best thing to do.’
Children are born and raised with a natural tendency to trust and listen to their parents—that’s on one hand. On the other hand, Kesuvim teach, “V’ayar pere adam yulad, from a wild donkey, a man is born” (Iyov 11:12). Learning self control is a process, and we need to have patience with our children.
Failure brings frustration, which is why we have to suit our demands to our children’s capacities. (A child can’t take out a garbage bag that’s bigger than him!) We also have to suit our demands to what’s normal for his age and society. (A ten-year-old doesn’t go to sleep at 6 p.m.) And finally, the demand has to suit the child’s personality. (A disorganized child can’t clean up an entire room on his own.)
A child who feels that he can’t succeed, who feels like a failure, or who feels that he’ll never manage to please his parents will eventually despair; and despair is a sentiment that often leads to rebellion. Another deterrent is when a parent exudes lack of confidence or is unsure of him/herself. Speaking weakly, and on the converse, shouting and hysterics all convey insecurity and show the child that he, and not the parent, is in control.
It’s important to speak confidently and consistently and to give frequent reminders about bedtime, clean up, chores, etc. A parent shouldn’t give in to a child who shirks, and he/she should insist that regular jobs are carried out. Simultaneously, a parent should monitor where and when the responsibility becomes too difficult for the child and help him accomplish what he set out to do. Sometimes the help can manifest itself in minor things like helping the child button his shirt or taking down a box that is too high for him to reach. Other times, a child might need more help and clearer instructions in order to reach full independence.
Above all, it’s important to express satisfaction and pride in positive behavior, achievements and when they do fulfill our requests, because nothing makes a child feel better than knowing that his parents are happy and proud of him!
May Hashem grant you loads of nachas from your children!
Kommentare