I have a son in shidduchim, an excellent bachur who’s bright, talented, a genuine yarei Shamayim, a masmid and serious learner with tremendous potential. This last point is precisely the catch, because as solid and talented as he is, he could be applying himself further and attaining greater accomplishments, which he’s done at different points in the past. There were tekufos in his adolescence when he buckled down seriously and reached outstanding achievements in his learning. He’s doing well now, but he could definitely be doing more.
Now that he’s starting shidduchim, we’ve received some excellent offers, but as parents, we feel stuck and unsure what’s right and best for him. Should we encourage a shidduch that matches his potential or one that suits his current matzav (which has not been what it could be for a considerable amount of time already)? Obviously, whatever choice we make will have serious ramifications on his life—present and future. As parents, what are we supposed to do?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: It seems to me that your dilemma is comprised of several concerns, so allow me to clarify your question:
1. What’s a more effective and greater catalyst for personal growth—a rigorous atmosphere that demands achievement and success, or an environment that’s warm, accepting and embracing?
2. Is it deceitful to proceed with a shidduch that is more suited to your son’s potential than his current achievements, especially if your son ultimately does not live up to that potential?
To this end, I’d like to distinguish between a high-caliber environment and a demanding environment, because they are not one and the same. A family in which a member who does not live up to the expected standards becomes the subject of criticism (nonverbal as much as verbal) is not a family that you want your child to marry into. Such a family can destroy your child’s life and cause serious shalom bayis issues to develop between your child and his spouse. A home in which a son-in-law feels uncomfortable speaking anything but divrei Torah swiftly turns into a pressure cooker and unpleasant place to be. Instead of inspiring spiritual growth and aliyah, it has the opposite effect by wearing the person down and clamping down any shred of motivation to succeed. As a general rule, people—your son included—thrive and develop better in a warm, open environment that’s less critical and more accepting.
On the other hand, in most cases, a family and environment that has little or no expectations at all fails to cultivate aspiration or ambition for success and causes the person to linger on the lower end of his potential. High aspirations are contagious, which is why there is great value to connecting to a family and environment whose aspirations and goals revolve around significant matters.
Now that we’ve clarified this, let’s return to your question: What kind of family should you seek for your son? A family with high aspirations and solid values of their own, that’s simultaneously warm, accepting and not critical of others.
This answer is actually sourced in Chazal in two different Gemaros: “A man should always sell all that he has [in order] to marry the daughter of a talmid chacham” (Psachim 49a), and “He descended a level and married a woman” (Yevamos 63a).
In regard to your second question, I recommend sitting your son down for a serious discussion about what he wants in life. Talk to him about his current interests, his aspirations, and where he sees himself in the near and distant future. It’s important to help him clarify for himself what he wants in a wife and marriage. If this is too difficult for you to do on your own, it may behoove both of you to involve a third party, perhaps his maggid shiur or someone else he admires, to help him understand what qualities are important in a shidduch and how significantly his choices now will impact his future and the rest of his life.
Wishing you much brachah and hatzlachah, and that you son should be zocheh to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael on pillars of Torah, avodah and gemilus chassadim.
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