Dear Rabbi Levy shlit”a,
I have children in shidduchim, and I’m noticing that they have a very difficult time deciding. When it comes time to make a decision, they freeze and are unable to proceed. As parents, how deeply should we be involved in the decision-making process, and is it right to guide them and/or urge them to make a specific choice?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies:
I’ll preempt my response by saying that the answer to this question varies tremendously by sector and community. The rules and norms applying to the Litvish-Yeshivish world differ vastly from those in the Yerushalmi or Chassidish world, et al.
There are communities in which the parents handle every stage of the shidduch until the very end—making detailed inquiries and even meeting the prospective young man/woman before the couple meets. In this case, the children place their implicit trust in their parents’ judgment and believe that the parents know what is best for them. The actual meeting/s between the couple is only to ensure that there is no aversion between them and to cement the assumption that there is potential for a close relationship and communication. These meetings are generally brief and are just confirmation of the parents’ prior decision.
Other communities advocate a much shorter preliminary process, and the couple meets as long as basic values and aspirations match. Here, the couple is expected to get to know each other on a deeper and more meaningful level, develop feelings for each other and form the beginnings of a relationship, which assigns them the majority responsibility in the decision-making process. Since the decision is largely their own, they confront many more challenges and doubts as they contend with issues of balancing dreams with reality and coming to terms with hurtful situations in which they’re interested, but the other side is not, or the other side is interested but falls short of their dreams and requires them to compromise, etc. All this, naturally, makes the final decision much more frightening and complex for a child.
Some young people are so wracked with self-doubt that it’s easier for them to reject a shidduch than move forward. There is a famous story of an older bachur who once approached a Rebbe to request a berachah for his true zivug, to which the Rebbe replied, “Unfortunately, she’s already married.”
In contrast, armed with life experience and unencumbered with emotional attachment, parents have an easier time identifying boundaries, red flags and what is good for their child. Yet they also have their blind spots, even if quite small.
There is no black-and-white answer to this question. But practically, what can we, as parents, do if we see our children freezing when it’s time to make a final decision about continuing or ending a shidduch?
The first part of the answer is know what not to do. Don’t get emotionally-attached to any suggestion and don’t try persuading your child to make a specific choice, because in most cases, this will anyway be doomed for failure. Actually, this is also a blessing in disguise because if parents manage to overcome a child’s resistance and persuade him or her to go through with marriage, the child (and the parents) will forever live with the knowledge that the shidduch materialized from a place of pressure as opposed to free choice, which can lead to disastrous results.
In terms of positive action, any time a shidduch advances beyond the initial meeting, it behooves us to encourage our children to consult with a third party that we mutually trust. This person should preferably be knowledgeable and qualified to support someone through the complexities of shidduchim. A discussion with an objective party can help the child narrow down and pinpoint exactly what he or she wants, identify potential issues or pitfalls in the specific shidduch, and generally understand themselves, their needs and desires better which empowers them with confidence in their ability to make the most momentous decision of their lives.
And of course, never stop davening for siyata diShmaya from the One Who is mezaveg zivugim to lead your child with simchah and peace of mind to the chuppah!
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