Q: Every year with the coming of Chodesh Elul, I feel guilty and distressed at being unable to foster an atmosphere at home that bespeaks of the gravity and holiness of this time of year. It pains me when I reflect upon the unique atmosphere that prevailed in my parents’ home during this time of year, an atmosphere so uplifting, holy and special that I can’t even describe it in words. Elul in my childhood home bred a special tension, but a positive, uplifting one. Yom Kippur brimmed with sentiments of purity; on Succos, our home was alight with simchah shel mitzvah. I wish I could create the same atmosphere of ahavas hamitzvos in my own home and convey the same messages to my children. How can I do it?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I was deeply moved to read the description of your childhood home and your sacred yearning to recreate that spiritually-uplifting environment in your own home. This is a very important aspiration. One’s Jewish identity and values are built primarily from the subliminal messages that we absorb in our parents’ homes, which is why we can’t sufficiently emphasize the importance of creating a positive atmosphere and an environment conducive to these values.
I would like to make two points before we proceed to the practical steps we can take to make it happen:
The first is yeridas hadoros, or what I feel is more apposite—shinui hadoros, the change in the generation. Today’s world is different from the one we grew up in; we are different, our children are different, and their needs are different. In no way is this intended to absolve us of our obligation in chinuch, but it does oblige us to do more than just imitate our parents’ ways. We must adapt the chinuch to the needs of contemporary times.
The second is that I’m not at all convinced that if you ask your own children, they won’t enthusiastically describe the ‘special atmosphere’ that prevails in your own home during the Yomim Noraim and Yomim Tovim! Sometimes it’s hard for us, as ‘atmosphere creators,’ to sense or identify it, but our children surely absorb and feel it all the way!
Now let’s proceed to the practical part of this discussion:
How do you define ‘creating at atmosphere?’ For our purposes, I would explain it as “a person’s feelings expressed toward others in a way that influences the latter’s feelings.”
In order to create an atmosphere, we must first sense the feeling that we wish to project to our children deep inside of us, with every fiber of our being. We can do that by learning sefarim or listening to shiurim that focus on these topics, choosing the ones that talk most to us and inspire us. We can likewise reminisce of special experiences that we had during these times of year or use any other tool that inspires and arouses us to feel the emotions that we yearn to feel and convey to our children.
The second part is igniting the flame of emotion inside our children. How we do we do it? The easiest way is by examining the things that excite children. How do kids know to be excited by a game, treat or trip? By discussing it with their siblings and friends and from the sparkle in the eyes of those kids who already have the toy or went on that trip. The other person’s fervor is all it takes to convince a child that he wants—and needs—it too.
This is why it’s up to us as parents to express our yearning and simchah for Yom Tov with physical actions that include our children—buying them machzorim, preparing the simanim, blowing shofar at home, preparing special foods for these days, and singing the Yomim Nora’im songs at the Shabbos seudos...
It’s told that the Imrei Chaim of Vizhnitz zy”a would prepare for Pesach as soon as Chanukah ended, speaking and singing songs related to yetzias Mitzrayim at his tisch throughout the winter. It’s no wonder, then, that until this very day, his talmidim and chassidim speak passionately of the overwhelming emotion and simchah that prevailed at his Seder!
Search for stories and ideas that suit your children’s age levels. Talk to them about Elul, about the Yomim Tovim, and about the incredible holiness and special nature of this time. Use short, pithy statements to convey your fear of judgment, while elaborating joyfully about the zechus of taharah and drawing close to Hashem and about the beauty and joy of our succah and arba minim. Use every opportunity to weave your enthusiasm into your conversation with your children, and create a matzav at home by involving them in it all.
Also remember that the atmosphere at home—even around the Yomim Nora’im—should always be pleasant and uplifting, not stressful, tense or worrying. Include your children in Yom Tov preparations and express your appreciation to them for their help, reinforcing to them that children who behave so beautifully and are involved in preparations for Yom Tov are surely prepared to face the Yom Hadin!
Wishing you, your family and all of Klal Yisrael a ksivah vachasimah tovah and a gut gebencht!
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