Q: Dear Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a,
Another year has passed, and once again, Elul is upon us. It’s difficult for me to write, because I’m ashamed to admit it, but no matter how many years, Eluls and Yomim Nor’aim come and go, I feel that I’m still stuck in the same place. What are we meant to accomplish during these days? Also, I’ve always felt that there is something inauthentic about our conduct during Elul and Tishrei. Throughout the year, we are who we are, and then comes Elul, and everyone suddenly acts like tzaddikim. Why isn’t this a manifestation of echteh v’ashuv? How can I finally experience an Elul that will have a real impact on my coming year?
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: You’re asking a beautiful, compelling question, and it’s actually a question that we can relate to the entire year. What’s the purpose of the constant cycle that makes up our calendar and lives?
It’s possible that you won’t agree with this generalization, and why not? You can always say that there’s power in a recurring cycle that enables us to preserve a concept and keep it alive in our hearts. We see an example of this expressed in the mitzvah to read Parshas Zachor once every year.
Your question, in particular, relates primarily to this time of year, which is a time of teshuvah, whose simple goal is to rectify our misdeeds and improve our characters. Since you don’t necessarily see solid improvement every year, you feel bad.
So what’s the point in it all?
Pesach commemorates Yetzias Mitzrayim and the coalescence of Am Yisrael, and our annual return and celebration evokes awareness and pride in our nation every year. Similarly, this period of teshuvah reawakens and restores our aspirations to improve ourselves every year. These days of teshuvah are a time that build a Yid’s connection to avodas Hashem and kirvas Elokim, but this requires effort and practice.
You may ask why we can’t always exist in a state of pure avodas Hashem, and the answer is that this is precisely the reason that Hashem placed us in the world: To attain that level through effort.
Delving deeper, a person’s identity draws from the sum total of his memories, thoughts and aspirations. When one experiences any growth or elevation, it remains imprinted in his psyche and identity. In fact, if you ask a Jew to describe the essence of his Judaism, he’ll respond with the feelings that he experienced while accepting Ol Malchus Shamayim during Ne’ilah.
We find this idea expressed in the words of the Ramban who writes that one does not recite a brachah on besamim on Motzaei Yom Tov because the neshamah yeseirah acquired on Yom Tov does not depart but remains with him always. The Avnei Nezer adds that the physical mitzvos carried out during Yom Tov preserves the spiritual elevation that he gained. Amazingly, this means that every Yom Tov adds a special element to the soul that remains there eternally.
Another insight I’d like to share is that, unlike artificial memories like those found in a computer, a human being is constantly rebuilding and redeveloping his memory. This means that when a person recalls a specific event or incident, and in the midst of reflecting on it, suddenly feels something new that he never felt before, it means that the event is now engraved in his mind along with that fresh insight. [This power can actually be exploited in order to overcome negative feelings relating to specific incidents that cause trauma, phobias, etc.]
What this means is that we don’t actually return to the same exact point every year! When we strive to experience the Yomim Nora’im from an older, more mature outlook, and with the experiences gleaned over the course of a full year, we do ascend a level. However, because our memories are simultaneously altered, it may appear to us as if we haven’t really changed or advanced in life.
To summarize the above, Elul is a time when we refresh our souls and identities by drawing close to Hashem, a time when we build and attain a greater level of growth, even if we don’t necessarily notice or feel the change in ourselves.
Ending with my heartfelt tefillah and brachah that this Elul should be for you and all of Klal Yisrael an eis rachamim v’ratzon!
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