Dear Pele Yoetz,
I want to ask a question that is very important to me. A string of circumstances that happened in my recent past led me to stumble and cause a great deal of pain to my parents. I’ve come a very long way since then, and even though I’ve been back to myself for over a year, my mother still criticizes me and demeans me at every opportunity. Whatever I do is no good, and she always finds a way to express her disappointment.
I feel terribly hurt. I’m working hard on myself, and it’s taking a lot of effort. I do my best to keep my chin up, to be positive and respectful, but the constant criticism is taking a toll on me and diminishing my will to go on. I feel so worthless sometimes, especially when my mother criticizes me publicly—which happens quite often. Her hurtful treatment makes it difficult for me to respect her, as well, and certainly to accept anything that she wants to give me—which only adds fuel to the fire and causes anger, resentment, arguments, grievances and grudges
Am I allowed to say something to her? Does this transgress kibbud av va’eim? I also thought of discussing it with a friend just to vent my frustrations, but is that lashon hara?
What can I do?
Thank you! S.T., Yerushalayim
Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I read your letter and feel your pain. Your words reminded me of what the Bnei Yissachar zy”a writes on the word that we recite in Hoshanos, “Hoshanah na, damsa l’samar. Please save, now, the one who resembles a palm tree.”
He writes that the author was referring to Tamar, Yehuda’s wife, who despite being rejected by Yehuda’s family pursued him repeatedly with the intention of building Malchus Beis Dovid together with him. Even when she was on the verge of being burned at the stake, Tamar remained quiet! Bnei Yisrael are similar to Tamar, accepting ol Malchus Shamayim upon themselves and strictly avoiding any aveirah in order to sanctify Hashem’s Name in this world.
In your letter, you mentioned several points, and I want to separate them, because each one has a different answer. First, you mentioned that your mother’s criticisms cause lack of motivation. Next, you spoke about your hurt and distress. And last, you asked if it is acceptable to talk to her about it or discuss the situation with others.
In general, when dealing with any challenge or difficult situation, the first step should always be to identify what we are capable of changing and what we are incapable of changing. This prevents us from expending superfluous time and energy that will not beget results. We’ll also be much less frustrated about our failures when we absorb that the situation is beyond our control. After we identify what is in our control and what we can change, we’ll invest our energies in the right direction. And you never know, but very often the change that we create effects additional changes that improve the situation that was beyond our control!
Regarding your question about talking to your mother about her frequent disparaging comments. Fundamentally, a child should not be mechanech his or her parents. This applies even when the parent is committing an outright issur! Gemara Kiddushin 32b teaches that a child should not tell his father, “You did an aveirah,” but rather, “Abba, doesn’t it say this or that in the Torah?” In this way, the child is asking a question, but not rebuking his parent.
Practically, I also don’t believe that such a discussion will be effective, and more likely, it will simply aggravate the situation. You, yourself, see how painful and difficult it is to accept criticism. (Although, I might suggest “losing” this letter around the house so it gets read by the relevant party…)
I advise you to invest your efforts into dealing with yourself and your own feelings, because this is what you control most. Working with your feelings and reactions will help minimize the hard feelings and humiliation, and you’ll hopefully notice improvement in other realms, as well.
Begin by asking yourself honestly: What can I do? How can I change my feelings?
People have a tendency to blame themselves, to engage in self-recrimination and criticize themselves harshly. But this is not the Torah way, as Chazal teach in Pirkei Avos: “Al tehi rasha bifnei atzmecha, do not be wicked in your own eyes” (2:13). Blame and self-deprecation weaken a person, cause despair and lead to all the negative consequences that you described in your letter. It’s so important to keep reiterating to yourself that you’re wonderful, you’re special, Hashem loves you, and that your previous failures aren’t you. You’re better, you’re motivated to succeed, and iy”H, you will succeed! This positive mindset will strengthen you sufficiently that when you are forced to absorb a wave of criticism, you won’t let it bother you. You’ll also see the benefits in your motivation and ability to succeed in all realms, and you’ll prove to yourself (and to others) that you’re special, worthy and successful!
Moreover, when you grow accustomed to judging yourself favorably, it will be easier for you to judge others—even those who heap criticism on you—more favorably, as well. Try to understand that you’re hurting, and therefore you automatically view things in a negative light. Then remember that others are hurting too, in different ways and for different reasons, and this may be why they are acting and reacting in ways that are difficult for you.
The cycle continues: Chazal teach, “One who judges his friend favorably, others judge him favorably” (Shabbbos 127b). Another explanation is that Shamayim will also judge him favorably. The first explanation proves that hearts mirror each others’ feelings. This means that even if the initial improvement comes from you—and only you—the less negative vibes and criticism that you radiate will result in the person criticizing you less, as well!
Another point to bear in mind is that a significant aspect of your pain is rooted in the fact that the parent-child relationship is one that surpasses all others, and it is a natural, inborn need for a child to want to meet with his parents’ approval. Yet remember that the feelings are mutual. Parents give everything they have for their children, and there is nothing that delights them more than seeing their child succeed.
If this is the case, why is the parent-child relationship so often fraught with conflict?
Part of the answer is our response to parents’ criticism. Sometimes, we react contemptuously, either due to humiliation or shame, which creates distance and anger. Other times, we overreact and get deeply insulted, and this makes the parents feel guilty or convinces them that we are using the hurt as a weapon and excuse to avoid change, which inevitably prompts further accusations and blame on their part.
In contrast, a calm, respectful and accepting response reduces tension and criticism.
Finally, as to your question about whether you are permitted to talk to a friend, the answer is that you should certainly seek out a friend’s help and counsel—not so much as to complain about your parents, but in order to demonstrate your good and positive points and manifest the specialness inside you. Yet even if you don’t find someone suitable or trustworthy, you still possess the strength inside to change your feelings, and the more you change them, the happier you’ll be!
Comments