Dealing with anger

Dear Rav Levy,

Thank you so much for the enlightening discussions and tips. I have an issue that’s not comfortable to discuss in a public forum, but since it’s important to me to deal with it in the right way, I’m asking anyway. I have a temper. I’ve always had, and I have frequent outbursts when people—especially my wife and kids—do things that upset me. What steps can I take to work on this middah and, hopefully, overcome it?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Dear Avreich,

First of all, it’s important to distinguish between the middah of ka’as and outbursts, which I’ll explain below. It may surprise you to hear that there are pesukim that state that anger has its uses and benefits, such as “Tov ka’as mischok ki be’ra panim yitav lev” and “Rigzu v’al techeta’u.” On the other hand, we also find “Tov erech apayim migibor” and “Ka’as b’cheik ksilim yanuach” along with many others that condemn the middah of anger. (See the Ibn Ezra in Koheles 7:3 to understand this seeming contradiction).

For our purposes, it seems clear that it is not the actual middah of anger that’s the root of the problem, Ka’as is a normal emotion, one that you describe as part of your nature; and like any emotion, it has its benefits. For example, ka’as can be an important tool in chinuch—both vis-a-vis ourselves and those we are seeking to educate, as indicated in the pesukim above.

The real problem is your lack of self-control and the damage that results from it. Your job is not to uproot the anger in and of itself, but to learn to manage it effectively so you can use it in the right time and measure. Unmanaged anger harms us and inflicts pain on those in our environment, and as the expression goes “Most mistakes we make result from anger.”

Two emotions that we must learn to distinguish from one another are anger and frustration. Someone who gets angry after thoroughly understanding a situation and who wants to use his anger to instigate change won’t react with outbursts. His anger is controlled, and he can utilize it as a means of trying to mold or change his student/child’s behavior. He also has clear borders and does not vent at others who are uninvolved in the situation.

In contrast, uncontained frustration causes frequent outbursts or, alternatively, deep inner distress. A frustrated person feels misunderstood and therefore expresses himself in a manner that causes others to regard him with contempt. This only fans the flames of his fury and causes him to hurt those who make him feel degraded which incites a vicious cycle that never ends well…

Bar Kapparah says in the Gemara: “An angry person, all that he achieved was his anger” (Kiddushin 40b). In other words, an angry person never attains his goal. As Rashi expounds: “His anger did not earn him anything.”

Angry outbursts result when someone wants to express that he views something in a very negative light, but knows that his words won’t be taken seriously because he is not significant in the eyes of his listeners. Moreover, he won’t even receive an apology, because the other person feels just as slighted as he does. Worse yet, people who are not nice will then deliberately irritate and humiliate him in order to enjoy his suffering and downfall.

How can we put a stop to this vicious cycle? Through anger management. The way to start is by using tools that dissolve frustration and help you acquire self-control.

Let me offer two examples:  When you feel angry, ask yourself, “What’s really bothering me?” It’s always easier to deal with a situation that’s clearly defined.  Take a moment to walk away to a quiet place. The very change in location will cause the anger to dissipate slightly and offer you greater insight into what is causing it. It’s best if you can step outside and get a breath of fresh air which automatically cools you off.

Another suggestion is, instead of holding in your anger or, alternatively, venting it as an angry outburst, try talking about your feelings. Tell the other person why you are angry, and why what happened bothers you—without blaming or attacking the other party. Discussing your pain often causes the other side to soften, apologize or even make a change.

Let’s conclude with the Ramban’s words in his celebrated letter to his son: “Always speak your words calmly, to every man at every time; and in this way, you’ll be rescued from anger, which is an evil trait that causes man to sin. And when you are spared from anger, the trait of humility will rise in your heart, which is the greatest of all traits, as written, ‘Because of humility is fear of Hashem.’”