Q: First and foremost, thank you for the fascinating articles and useful chinuch tips which I find so practical in my daily interactions with my children. With Purim upon us, I wanted to ask the Rav’s advice regarding how to deal with the utter lack of structure and rules, which is a nice way of saying the free-for-all attitude that comes along with these days. My kids (and most other kids I see) act up and get wild, eat an abnormal amount of sweets, and in general are completely out of control. How can I be mechanech our my properly during these very holy and auspicious days of Purim?
A: Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a: The underlying premise of your question is that a parent’s chief responsibility is to monitor his or her children and ensure appropriate behavior. Therefore it comes as no surprise that at certain times, such as Purim, it’s a nearly-impossible task.
It’s not just Purim, but virtually any out-of-the-ordinary day as Yomim Tovim and vacations that constitute a challenge—and even a major challenge—to chinuch. While Purim is only one day (or three days maximum, like this year in Yerushalayim), vacations stretch for weeks at a time, and this year, Covid-19 gifted us all an overdose of vacation…
It is true that setting boundaries and sticking to them, fostering good habits, promoting diligence in school, and all the other duties and responsibilities that we see as integral to our role as parents are important, as they are the basis of our children’s character development and ingredients to raising them to live lives of Torah and yiras Shamayim. It is similarly true that unusual circumstances and times often make us feel that the reins are slipping from our hands and that we’re losing control.
This is why I recommend considering a more basic aspect of chinuch, which is certainly more effective during vacation times:
A child perceives his parents as his primary caregivers and role models. Since he trusts them to guide him to good places, he naturally listens to them and does his utmost to please. Yet simultaneously, he needs to feel that we love him, are proud of him and enjoy his company.
Vacation and off-times, when we’re relaxed, unconcerned about regular life stresses and that he’s succeeding in school, etc., when the atmosphere is light and happy, are ideal times to reinforce these emotional foundations in our children. Vacation is a time to have fun with them, joke around with them, tell stories and sing together… On Purim, especially, the extra dose of wine and liquor can do much to enhance the lighthearted, happy relationship and the father’s physical and verbal expressions of warmth to his children.
Instead of being a time when parents rebuke and reproach their children for acting out, Purim should be the day when parents are warmest and closest to their children—creating special memories and fostering profound closeness that surpasses the regular yearlong relationship.
Parents should bear in mind that it’s fine for kids to overdose on sugar one day a year—no different than it’s fine, and actually a mitzvah, for their fathers to get inebriated on the same day. Purim is a time of simchah and elation, and we can’t take it away from them.
Instead of yelling at the kids to tone down on the treats, celebrate every mishloach manos and lollipop that they receive, because it’s not just the treat itself, but the way that the parent relates to the thing that makes them happiest, that is so meaningful. After Purim, you can suggest that they stash the rest for the days before Pesach when there’s nothing to eat anyway…
Another way to make Purim meaningful at home is to infuse the simchah of the day with Yiddishkeit. Wake up early with the kids, follow the Chasam Sofer’s recommendation of learning between the two megillah readings, recite Tehillim together after the night seudah, and daven that in the merit of the simchah of Purim all of Klal Yisrael’s cholim should merit a fully recovery. Thank and praise Hashem for all the miracles and gifts in your lives, daven for the future, and Hashem shall surely grant you a sach Yiddishe nachas!
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