Al Pi Darko

Q: Thank you so much for this excellent forum. I’ve already gained so much from the questions and answers posted over the past months, and I also have a question of my own.

I got married two years ago and now work as a tutor in a yeshivah. I’m constantly surprised—and perplexed—as to why bachurim seem much more inclined to listen to me, a yungerman not much older than they, than to their parents, who are far more mature, experienced and seasoned.

Parents dedicate their hearts and souls to their children, dedicating their time, resources and all the love in the world to fill their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Why am I—a paid worker who receives a salary to sit in the beis medrash for several hours a day, learn, talk and listen to them—more respectable and credible in their eyes?

What’s really bothering me is the fear that, im yirtzeh Hashem, when I too am blessed with children, will they feel the same? What can I do to ensure that I will be a positive, influential figure in the lives of my future children?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: Your question reveals depth, emotion and maturity and is an excellent opportunity for us all to explore the nature of the role of a tutor and mentor. When does a child or adolescent feel disconnected from his parents, and why is he more inclined to express his thoughts and feelings and seek the advice of others who are not a part of his immediate family circle?

When this occurs, some parents make the mistake of thinking that the child feel unloved, which is both painful and frustrating. How can it be that my child feels disconnected from me when I spent endless hours rocking him at night, sat anxiously at his bedside when he didn’t feel well, invested tens of thousands of dollars into his education and extra-curricular activities, and did everything I could to grant him a happy, fulfilling, meaningful childhood? How can he believe that we don’t love him?

Another common error is that the parents’ opinion is insignificant to the child.

Every child respects his parents and craves their attention and appreciation. There is nothing that makes a child feel better than his parents’ proud smile, and every child knows that when he is in trouble or needs help, his parents will stop at nothing to help him.

However, people—and especially adolescents—also require friends in order to help them work through and digest their emotions, develop their self-esteem, and build their character and value system. Kids will search long and hard for a friend who not only listens, but who also absorbs and accepts him unconditionally.

More often than not, children discover this figure in a friend, rather than the parents who are so devoted to him.

The gratitude that a child owes his parents coupled with their dreams of glory for him often make dialogue and discussion exceedingly difficult, automatically enabling his social circle to impact him more than his parents.

In the olden days, in the era of naiveté and hierarchy when the family was the center of a child’s world, children were naturally inclined more to accept their parents’ opinions and advice and also far less impacted by society. Today, the role of influencing a child has largely passed to educators and older authority figures as tutors and mentors, who are closer in age and their worldview to teenagers. In the students’ eyes, a tutor is mature and capable of listening and offering advice without the baggage attached to parenthood.

Another important point is that motivation for progress derives from positive feelings. When parents are unimpressed, it leads to automatic failure on part of the child. On the other hand, a tutor is more inclined to dispense honest compliments and praise, since he doesn’t have a personal need to see the child succeed and attain the heights that the parents dream of.

Now we’ll proceed to your next question regarding what you can do to ensure that your children will not only approach you, but will also talk to you and sincerely accept your advice:

When one successfully discerns a problem, then it’s automatically easier to find the solution. In this case, the solution is in a warm, comfortable environment that invites dialogue, discussion and empathy. Parents must learn that high expectations fail to beget the desired results and send a negative message of lack of acceptance to their child. Our job is to convey the opposite message—a message of unconditional love and acceptance, along with emunah that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will guide us along the path of truth, even if it isn’t always so straight or smooth. May we all be fortunate to rejoice in our success and motivate our children to continue striving, and then iy”H, we’ll all be blessed with nachas from our children!